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Sunday Comics Report #6

For those of you who would like to read the Sunday comics in your local newspaper, but don’t have the time, energy, or will to do so, Studio 8 is providing you with the following report. It should be just as good as reading the comics yourself, but it will take only half the time. We also considered redrawing the comics for you, but that would take too much effort on our part. This will have to do for now.

Herman – Herman woke up one morning and saw a pretty woman on his television set. Her breasts were perky, just like he likes them. For a brief moment, his brain whisked him away to his younger years where he was the big man on campus sleeping with every pretty girl possible. His penis slowly became erect. Then, his wife walked into the room holding her back and coughing up gobs of stinking phlegm. Herman's wonderful memory exploded in his face at the sight of his overweight and annoying wife, whom he will be forced to spend the rest of his horrible, miserable life. Unfortunately, his penis remained erect for the rest of the day.

For Better or For Worse – The dad character entered the garage to put a sack of trash into the outside trashcan, when the family dog bumped into the door and accidentally locked and dead-bolted it with his big clumsy paws. The family cat just happened to be inside the car that was parked in the garage. His tail somehow turned the ignition. The garage began filling up with deadly carbon monoxide gas. The dad banged on the door for help, but the family lizard was busy distracting the rest of the family on the back porch with an improvised song and dance routine. Just as the dad was about to smash his way to freedom at the garage window, the family baboon ripped his arms off and he bled to death.

Peanuts – Snoopy sat on top of his doghouse for three days straight, composing a suicide note. He took lots of long pauses and made many faces that made him look like he was thinking. On his way to deliver the letter to the mailbox across the street, a tractor ran into his skull, quickly crushing every bone in his body. The stupid little yellow bird then ate his brains and some of his leftover poo. Once the bird was finished, he got really sick and went to vomit by a tree that Charlie Brown was masturbating under. The two shared an awkward silence that would set a new tone for their friendship from this day forth.

Baby Blues – After months of boring deliberation, the mother and father, who already have three toddler-aged children, decided to have just one more baby. Of course, neither truly believed that this baby would be their last. So after explaining all of the upcoming changes and hardships that the family will surely experience because of this child, the parents tucked their three babies into bed and had unprotected sex. Afterwards, in the midst of their blissful post-coital stupor, their oldest child crawled into their bedroom and said, "Please don't have another baby, Mommy and Daddy. We go to bed hungry most nights, and our clothes are fashioned out of twist-ties and cereal boxes." But the couple ignored the child and indulged once more in the sickness that has overtaken their lives - the habitual, reckless bearing of children they simply cannot afford.

Non Sequitur – Two things that looked like children (maybe?) were riding on what might have been either a large dog or a donkey with severe malnutrition. One or both of the children started making fun of the hideous blob of ink that they were riding. I couldn't quite make out what it's response was (it may have just honked or belched), but it seemed like it had a sarcastic attitude, nonetheless. So the two smaller poorly-drawn kids/aliens/rocks (?) on the creature's back/head/thorax (?) started crying/laughing/urinating (?) and then the artist apparently had a seizure because the last panel was sort of a collection of lines, dots, and squiggly writing. Anyway, it was all VERY funny and sort of like a non sequitur.

Blondie – Blondie was folding the dirty laundry when she discovered that she couldn’t find any of her panties anywhere, even in the oven. So she called up to her husband’s work and asked his secretary if she had seen her panties that day. The secretary said “No.” Blondie had to go to Wal-Mart to buy some more panties. There, she found a nice variety of colors and styles at more than reasonable prices. Yet when she went to purchase the panties at the check-out counter, she remembered that she hated wearing panties and also that her dentist had told her that she was allergic to panties. None of this story seemed to interest her husband when he came home from work that evening. So Blondie slit her wrists.

Dilbert – The chick and the boss had a huge argument about what type of staplers the company should order. Dilbert had something sassy, but smart to say about the subject. Another guy with a block for a head stepped in with a punch-line that didn't make any sense. Stupid office worker types across America cut out the comic and taped it to their file cabinets because they feel like that is what they are supposed to do with Dilbert comics. Co-workers will see the comic, and without reading it, say something like, "Dilbert is great."

Wizard of Id – In the first panel, the wizard cooked up some boiling mixture of stuff. In the second panel, he threw a live frog into the boiling stuff. In the next panel, the frog tried to jump out, even though its body was badly burned and his chances of survival were minimal. The wizard noticed the smoldering creature scrambling at the cauldron’s edge in the fourth panel. The fifth panel had a big hole in it where I had put my penis earlier in the morning, so I don’t know what happened there. In the last panel, the frog was dead and the wizard was dead, too.

Snuffy Smith – The old man and woman got depressed and missed their family and decided to invite them all over for supper. They sat around all day in 120 degree heat on their front porch waiting for them to show up. When 10 PM came around, both realized that neither of them had started making supper and also that they had both assumed that the other had invited all the family members over. This entire strip was the author’s not-so-subtle, yet very crafty way of explaining to his wife that he doesn't love her anymore.

Apartment 3-G – A man, a woman, and a janitor lady were all standing in a hallway looking at a crumpled-up piece of paper on the ground. The woman seemed upset, the man seemed confused, and the foreign janitor person seemed constipated. The man (named Dean) started arguing with the woman (Carol) and the janitor (Lupita) put the crumpled paper in her mop bucket. At this, Dean and Carol stopped arguing and looked at the ground where the paper had been. Lupita continued on her way, thinking about how poor and lonely she is. Dean and Carol continued their endless search for Apartment 3-G, the door of which lay directly in front of them.

Garfield – This loveable orange Heathcliff rip-off enjoyed another lazy day sleeping in his warm bed, leisurely eating some cat food, and half-heartedly watching daytime television. From time to time, he made condescending and sarcastic comments to his owner (Jonny) and the dog (Opie) who also live with him. Everyone took Garfield's unjustified verbal abuse with an air of hopeless resignation. The dog even let Garfield injure him a few times by being pushed off of a high table surface over and over again. Garfield went to bed that night feeling miserable and alone, just as he has done for the past 20 or so years of his existence.

Heathcliff – Heathcliff's owners speculated once again that their loveable orange Garfield rip-off is smarter than any other cat or person in the world after they witness him capture and eat a mouse. When Heathcliff began to choke on the tiny bones of the mouse's ribcage, the humans ran around shrieking like maniacs with their arms in the air. Luckily, a bunch of mice felt sorry for Heathcliff and helped clear their brethren's half-chewed corpse out of Heathcliff's windpipe. The humans showed their gratitude by feeding the mice some tasty rat poison tablets. Then, they fed the poison-filled dead mice to Heathcliff, who did nothing but bleed out of his anus for the final three panels.

Drabble – The little boy who looks like a duck once again tried to befriend the duck who looks like a teenage boy, but the duck ran away from him. The boy flew after him and then laid an egg on the duck’s head. The duck got a gun and shot at the boy a few times. All of the other ducks who live in the house came out and yelled at the boy for being so bad. In the last panel, it was revealed that the boy was really a duck and all of the ducks were people. I thought about that for a while and I’ve decided that I’m not going to read this comic anymore, because it doesn’t make any sense.

That pretty much does it for this month's Sunday Comics Report. Thanks to LilMoonGal13 for requesting a few of the above comics to be discussed and dismantled by our team of Sunday Comics experts. If you found this to be funny, entertaining, or informative in any way, then our mission is accomplished and we can rest for another month or so. Until then, check out our other special reports and reviews, which will cover many varied subjects like magazines, music, movies, books, colors, toilet plungers, third world countries, candy bars, and other assorted items.

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