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Sunday Comics Report #5

For those of you who would like to read the Sunday comics in your local newspaper, but don’t have the time, energy, or will to do so, Studio 8 is providing you with the following report. It should be just as good as reading the comics yourself, but it will take only half the time. We also considered redrawing the comics for you, but that would take too much effort on our part. This will have to do for now.

Luann – Luann finally worked up the nerve to walk up and tell her ultimate crush, Aaron, that she has been stalking him and that she hopes to murder him one day and wear his sternum as a hair barrette. However, right when she was about to do it, her conniving bitch rival, Tiffany, burped up a small slab of raw, bloody meat, which everyone in the whole world thought was way hot. Luann received four hours of detention and twelve days of community service because of this.

Garfield – The cat looked at the dog, who was looking off into blank space and drooling. Then there was a smooshed spider and a roll of newspaper on the floor. Then there was a teddy bear lying in the cat’s bed. A couple of mice stood around for no reason. The average-looking human guy walked into the room with a dish of cat food. Then the cat mentioned that he likes to eat lasagna. Then the strip ended.

Doonesbury – Mr. Doonesbury left the office bound for a big politics convention in Cincinnati. On the way there, he met up with a Hungarian diplomat who discussed several important matters with him. The two parted ways in the next panel. Both men kept in touch with each other through e-mail, and soon enough, an online romance was blooming. Mr. Doonesbury and the Hungarian diplomat were both hung for treason in their respective countries a few weeks later.

Peanuts – The chubby kid with glasses told the chubby girl with a blue dress on that he was upset about his life at home. The girl slugged him in the stomach and pulled his underwear down in front of the playground. The boy cried and threw one of his shoes at the girl. Snoopy the Dog showed up and told everyone to go home…everyone except for the boy and girl who were fighting. Then Snoopy taught the two children a valuable lesson by shattering most of his teeth while biting on the metal jungle gym.

Zits – The apathetic teenager guy stuck his finger in his friend’s belly button and then licked it, saying that it tasted kind of like chicken. His friend, who looked even more apathetic and even more like a teenager, told him that he was not funny. The first teenager guy said that he didn’t care. The second teenager guy said he didn’t care, either. Both guys then stuck their fingers into their own buttholes and talked about how much they don’t care about anything.

Blondie – Blondie’s husband, Dadgum or Dogwood or whatever his name is, fell down the cellar steps again while he was trying to fix the water heater. Blondie found him a few panels later, passed out with two shattered knees and a fractured skull. Instead of seeking medical help, though, Blondie boarded up the cellar door and went out for a night on the town. When Doogie or Dadwood came to, he screamed and screamed into the cold darkness, but nobody came and he eventually understood that he was a dead man.

Dilbert – This strip started out in the middle of an awkward office party that was being thrown for Dilbert’s dog’s birthday. All of the office workers stood around and complained that they have to work in a boring office all day, every day. Meanwhile, a group of sweaty, dirty construction workers watched the party from a nearby window, tears streaking down their forlorn, blue-collar cheeks. When the office workers turned and saw this, they almost stopped complaining, but instead, just made fun of the construction workers for not being college educated.

Snuffy Smith – Snuffy’s wife, Ma, dropped a boiling pot of chili on her baby’s legs when she walked in on her husband Snuffy trying to get their daughter drunk with a jar of moonshine out behind the outhouse. Snuffy tried to help the baby out by pouring the moonshine on it and lighting it on fire, but all this did was make the baby cry more and cause Ma to give him a couple of good whacks with the empty boiling pot. Snuffy’s daughter finally managed to run away from home during all of the confusion.

Prince Valiant – King Roland returned to the town of Gran Marnier just in time to vanquish Count Serling and all of his minions. Just as the town was about to throw a parade in Roland’s honor, Prince Valiant arrived on his swift and noble steed and informed everyone that there was no such person as King Roland. Everybody got really mad and cut off King Roland’s head and fed it to Prince Valiant on a silver platter later that evening. Prince Valiant’s steed also got laid that night in the royal barn.

Hagar the Horrible – Hagar and his goofy sidekick attempted to storm a rival Viking ship using only their rusty swords and dented-up shields, and they had quite a hard time getting anywhere since the ship was a few miles out to sea at the time. As a hail of arrows rained down upon them and a school of hammerhead sharks nibbled at their extremities, Hagar somehow managed to find humor in the situation and said, “Well, being dead is stupid.” His sidekick didn’t get the joke, though, and drowned like an idiot. Hagar rode his carcass all the way back to shore.

The Family Circus – Once again, this comic strip was only ONE panel long and it had nothing to do with the circus. It just had some fat little kids arguing over who had the biggest piece of chocolate cake at the dinner table. It made me want to throw the Comics page away and made me regret impregnating three women all at the same time because now I’m going to have three kids and I imagine that scenes such as this happen all the time. Man, why didn’t I think of this before?

Cathy – The fat ugly chick in this strip went shopping for a new bathing suit at the mall and complained that she was too fat to fit into anything. Then, she immediately went to the grocery store and bought four tubs of fudge caramel ribbon ice cream, called up her pudgy boyfriend, and asked him to tell her that she is still pretty even though she is gross. When he obliged, she went home and bathed her dog in one of the tubs of ice cream and then sucked it off of him for the rest of the night while watching a Patrick Swayze movie marathon.

Mother Goose and Grimm – The old bird lady took the yellow dog, Grimmy, out for a swim at the local sewage plant, but she was later disgusted and appalled when the dog started licking a piece of poo that was stuck to his nutsack. This prompted her to say, “Grimmy, you are a bad dog!” Grimmy just smiled a fiendish smile and finished eating the poo. At home, the bird lady’s cat asked Grimmy why he was smiling so much and Grimmy replied, “She doesn’t even know that it was my own poo I was licking.”

Drabble – The dull, unemployed son asked his dad to help him find a job in the local newspaper’s Classifieds section, and even though the dad was missing out on one of his least favorite TV shows by doing this, he did it anyway out of the kindness of his heart. While the two flipped through page after page of jobs, the son clubbed his dad over the head and took all of the money out of his dad’s wallet, which was about 4 bucks. He used this money to buy four more issues of that day’s newspaper so his mom and little brother could also help him find a job at the same time.

COMICS FOR KIDS – Slylock Fox still can’t manage to solve any mysteries without my help! He’s a detective! He’s got a sidekick AND a magnifying glass! Why does he need my help all the time? I have no formal police training! I’m not even smart! Most of the time, I have to read the answer on the side of the page and then tell it to Slylock as if I had thought of it on my own. Man, that’s embarrassing. Not to mention time consuming! I’m not going to do it next time, Slylock. I swear.

That pretty much does it for this month's Sunday Comics Report. If you found this to be funny, entertaining, or informative in any way, then our mission is accomplished and we can rest for another month or so. Until then, check out our other special reports and reviews, which will cover many varied subjects like magazines, music, movies, books, dog foods, artificial teeth cleaners, things, stuff, and other assorted items.

Do the contents of this page make you want to burn your Sunday Comics? Talk about it in the Studio 8 Forums right now!