Sunday Comics Report #4

For those of you who would like to read the Sunday comics in your local newspaper, but don’t have the time, energy, or will to do so, Studio 8 is providing you with the following report. It should be just as good as reading the comics yourself, but it will take only half the time. We also considered redrawing the comics for you, but that would take too much effort on our part. This will have to do for now.

Garfield – Garfield, who apparently has made no progress with his bouts with obesity and laziness, slept through the entire strip, not moving once or saying anything remotely funny. Literally, it was 8 panels of Garfield lying on the ground, being fat and sleeping.

Hi and Lois – Trixie, the smarmy and too-cute baby of the family, gets left in the backyard to fend for herself all day. Meanwhile, the fat twins open up a lemonade stand in their driveway, which is stupid because they end up not selling even one glass of lemonade. The oldest kid gives himself an awful-looking tattoo of Marilyn Manson on his face. The dad almost asks his wife why they never have sex anymore, but then he takes a look at their kids and remembers why.

For Better or For Worse – The mother moped around the house for a while, sighing and thinking of how crappy and short can be. Hoping to escape from the pain and isolation, she poured herself a stiff drink, taking her first steps down the long and winding road of alcoholism.

Peanuts – All of Charlie Brown’s friends made fun of him because he doesn’t possess the same amount of athletic ability that they do. The dog and the bird had a nonsensical discussion. A few other chubby characters had a few forgettable things to say and then, finally, the strip was over and I could move on to another one. Once again, there were no peanuts to be found anywhere in this strip.

Dennis the Menace – That little blonde-haired bastard who everyone calls “Dennis” for some stupid reason decided to pay a visit to his old pedophile neighbor, Mr. Wilson, for what must have been the millionth time. Of course the kid had nothing worthwhile to say or do over there and he immediately started tugging on Mr. Wilson’s big floppy nutsack, which annoyed Mr. Wilson at first until he let himself go and indulged. Right then, Mr. Wilson’s wife, Mrs. Wilson, walked in and rubbed her big floppy titties right on the kid’s face. At this point, the comic’s artist was arrested for inking child pornography, so we’ll never know how the strip ended.

Baby Blues – The father guy spent half the strip scrubbing his children’s vomit off the kitchen wall while the mother lady was scrubbing her children’s fecal material off the dining room ceiling. Their kids sat in the living room rubbing lipstick on the television. I don’t know what happened in the last panel because I spilled some oatmeal on it (and by “spilled some oatmeal,” I mean “carefully spread oatmeal over the entire panel”).

Curtis – Curtis played hookey from school so he could smoke pot with a group of homeless children who made their living off robbing convenience stores and local churches. Later, Curtis’ parents found out about this because his little brother had been spying on him the whole time (and smoking some of the pot), so Curtis was not allowed to eat any dessert or listen to the Roy Rogers Cowboy Adventure Hour on the radio that night. In the middle of the night, Curtis was arrested for sloppily cutting his little brother’s throat open.

The Lockhorns – In each of the 4 panels of this strip, the old fat couple managed to say the most hate-filled and cruel things to each other, all the while getting older, fatter, and less happy with each passing moment. I clipped the 4 panels out and pasted them in my scrapbook, which I’ve labeled as, “Why I Don’t Ever Want to Get Married.” Then I burned the scrapbook and slept in the ashes.

Sally Forth – The brown-haired broad with a flat chest (who I suppose is Sally) came into the kitchen and fixed herself a bowl of popcorn. Her husband came in and knocked the bowl out of her hands, screaming about how they couldn’t fit popcorn into their current budget. Their daughter ran in and told them that the Mexican janitor at her school had gotten her pregnant for the second time that month, making them forget about the popcorn for a second. The dad then gave his daughter a good sucker-punch in the stomach for interrupting their fight.

Snuffy Smith – Snuffy and the town pastor got drunk on some moonshine behind the barn. After the two men got hammered beyond the point of reason, they got very horny, but there were no women around. Being a couple of unwavering straight men, they both took turns having sex with a knot-hole in the barn’s wall. Snuffy’s penis got stuck and they had to call the doctor, who brought a goat to bite off Snuffy’s swollen and mangled manhood once and for all.

Heathcliff – Heathcliff’s owners were about to give Heathcliff some heartworm medicine, but Heathcliff decided he didn’t need the medicine. So he buried the pills in his litter box and then took a dump on top of it. However, his owners were watching him the whole time so they dug up the pills and made him take the whole bottle…all at once…rectally…with some of his own poopoo mixed up with it…and with a few medicine-resistant heartworms thrown in, too.

B.C. – This caveman with a beard chiseled a bunch of words on a stone tablet for a while. Then a snake came up to him and asked if he had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal lord and savior. The man said, “Yes,” and the snake said, “Good.” Then they both stared at each other for a while until the caveman smiled and said he would talk to the snake later. The snake wouldn’t leave, though, so the caveman had to crush his skull with his stone tablet.

That's the end of this month's comics report. If you want to read more of our comics reports click on the above links. Also, keep an eye out for more Studio 8 reports on all of your favorite or least favorite people, places, things, items, and religions!

Back to Online Main

Related Items:

- Other Studio 8 Sunday Comics Reports