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Sunday Comics Report #2

For those of you who would like to read the Sunday comics in your local newspaper, but don’t have the time, energy, or will to do so, Studio 8 is providing you with the following report. It should be just as good as reading the comics yourself, but it will take only half the time. We also considered redrawing the comics for you, but that would take too much effort on our part. This will have to do for now.

The Family Circus – The oldest kid, Billy, got spanked for punching his sister, Dolly, and breaking a lamp that was very special to his father. After this, he had to sit in the corner without food, water, or human contact for three days. This was the best Family Circus to date.

Beetle Bailey – Private Beetle Bailey accidentally blew up his platoon’s potato supply by horsing around with a loaded rocket launcher. The Sarge got very angry and sent Bailey to the frontline of whatever war they are always fighting in, where he was promptly stabbed through the throat by a desperate and blood-thirsty enemy soldier.

For Better or For Worse – The mother, whatever her name is, was ironing a pair of underwear when she realized that her children were really growing up. Later in the afternoon, she cried over a cup of coffee when she realized how old she was. At this point, the comic artist left the strip unfinished because he or she was so depressed, which is fine because no one wanted to read anymore anyway.

Peanuts – There was just one big panel that had Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Woodstock all jumping into piles of leaves that had been raked into piles that coincided with their relative body sizes. This was kind of cute for some reason and I had to clip it right out and send it to my ailing Aunt Mabel, who hasn’t been able to do yard work for 10 years because of her severe arthritis.

Garfield – Garfield tricked Odie into sitting in a bowl of sour cream, which Jon later thought was a seven-layer dip for his party. However, no one showed up at the party and Jon, as usual, attempted to have sex with the bowl of seven-layer dip, only to find out that it was just Odie and some sour cream. Garfield smirked nearby as Jon continued to have sex with his dog and the rancid sour cream.

Baby Blues – The mom looked even more tired, haggard, and pregnant than ever while her two toddlers threw food all over the kitchen and living room. Though the kids looked cute, the mom still wondered why she wasn’t on the pill, never used condoms, and never terminated all of her unplanned pregnancies. The father was nowhere to be found during the whole strip.

Curtis – Curtis, who is 7 years old, tried to look up the skirt of Michelle, who he has been obsessed with for 3 years. She pulled out a glock and shot him twice in the leg. Curtis’ little brother, who is 4 years old, had to sell crack cocaine for two weeks to pay for his brother’s medical bills so their parents wouldn’t know.

B.C. – One caveman who was standing behind a rock said something real corny and stupid to this cavewoman with big titties and an ugly face. She slapped him and stormed off, leaving the caveman to ponder aloud that women and men are like two different creatures. Then another caveman appeared and told him that the big-breasted cavewoman was really a man with gynecomastia.

Prince Valiant – A bunch of men crowded together on the deck of a pirate ship, either to fight, to have some sort of party, or to just stand around for the hell of it. There were a few paragraphs explaining what was going on, but I didn’t care enough to waste anymore of my time reading them.

The Lockhorns – The wife, who looks fat and gross, even though she just spent her husband’s paycheck on a beauty salon visit, laughed with one of her friends about how her husband, Leroy, is a worthless, limp-dicked piece of shit. Leroy slept peacefully on the couch in the background, enjoying his fifth nap of the day because he doesn’t have to see or speak to his wife in his sleep.

Sally Forth – Sally and her husband discussed their boring sex life in front of their daughter during dinner. They did it with witty, subtle comments, so the daughter wouldn’t understand. The daughter smoked a joint behind the garage, but she did it in a very smooth, discreet way, so her parents wouldn’t find out.

Marmaduke – Marmaduke smoked a pipe, read the Finance section of the newspaper, had sex with his master’s wife, and baked cinnamon rolls, proving once again that he likes to do the same things that humans do. Then he crapped all over the new dining room rug. Though this greatly frustrated and angered Marmaduke’s owners, they took no disciplinary actions.

Mother Goose and Grimm – Mother Goose caught Grimm drinking from the toilet again, but this time she didn’t get mad. Instead, she told him that she had just used the toilet and had forgotten to flush it. Grimm smiled and replied that he knew that. Later he burped up everything from the toilet onto Mother Goose’s pillow.

Hi and Lois – The dad, who I think is Lois, and the mom, who I think is Hi, had a bland discussion about a bowling game that Lois just played with his friends. They were suddenly interrupted by their bratty little kids, who ran in screaming for ice cream or money or both. Hi and Lois then had to move their sterile conversation into another room.

So that's the report for this week, click here for more of these reports as well as several other neat features. If we've missed a comic that you really want to see included in this report, email us @ brock@studio8.net and we'll see what we can do.

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