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Every news source, website, or pathetic hybrid of the two will soon be forcing
their readers to suffer through either a “2002 Year in Review Report” or a
“Year 2003 Predictions Report.” At Studio 8, we like to stay on the cutting
edge of useless reports reporting, so we have taken the above two lame ideas
and have somehow merged them into one, ultra-lame “2003 Year in Review
Predictions Report.” So everything you are about to lightly skim over or
ignore altogether has not yet happened, but we are pretending that they have
and that we are already at the end of 2003 and we are recalling them from
earlier in the year. Thus, we are predicting and reviewing at the same time.
If anyone is confused by this, then email us because we are all just as
confused as you are, perhaps even more so.
And the top events that have not happened, yet also have
happened because we are “in the future” are:
- On March 23, vague rumors swept
across the world that Michael Jackson attempted to play tetherball with his 3
or 4 unconfirmed, illegitimate children. Somehow this was seen as weird and
perverted and the world’s top comedians (and the writer of this report)
rejoiced at yet another tired, easy joke presenting itself to them.
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Above: This baby was not aborted, which is why
it is still breathing in this happy woman's arms. She smothered it soon after
this picture was taken. |
- April 15, 2003 – The day that will
be marked in all future history books as the turning point in history book
publishing, for on this day, the largest history book publisher burned to the
ground.
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- 15 year-old Danielle Parkinson’s
first-ever abortion of a cloned fetus on March 7 left people all over the
world wondering, “Why go through all the trouble of cloning the fetus,
inserting it in your body, etc., if you’re just going to kill it a few days
later because you don’t want to have a baby?”
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A Mississippi man named Greg
Smilton terrorized the small town of Lunwick, New Hampshire, for 3 weeks in
June by impersonating a blade of grass and refusing to allow anyone to mow him
or any of his grassy brethren. For some reason, this retarded situation was
meticulously followed by every major news outlet.
- Stating that he was following in
his father’s footsteps, George W. Bush relinquished the United States
presidency on May 3 to ex-president Bill Clinton, who then left the presidency
as a tip for one of his favorite Hooters waitresses.
- Throughout the year 2003, over 100
skinny, previously impoverished white male rappers debuted, causing the
already established white rap star Eminem to regret ever encouraging his
listeners to never give up until they succeeded.
- The “War on Terrorism” took an
interesting turn on July 19, when US military operatives found and arrested
over 200 terrorist suspects who were engaged in a large
celebration in Iraq
entitled “Party On, Terrorism.” T-shirt producers capitalized on this event
with T-shirts that read “Piss On Terrorism.” Heavy metal band Gwar released an
album named “Gwar on Terrorism,” which sold a total of zero copies.
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On November 6, Louisiana
legislators passed a law that makes it illegal for anyone to enter or leave
the
state of Louisiana unless they are conducting official “Cajun business” or
they are purchasing or distributing Louisiana-related baubles and trinkets.
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Above: The Bookie CD, which was and will be
quite a hot seller for at least 18 more years. |
- The 2003 Christmas season had
consumers scrambling for the toys of a little guy known as Bookie, from the
popular Japanese cartoon series The Fun and Crazy of Bookie and Friends.
Bookie, who is actually a book full of empty pages, continues to captivate
children everywhere with his messages of routine television watching and
expensive toy purchasing. Meanwhile, book vendors reported that Bookie
books have been virtually ignored because children still prefer toys to books.
- On September 23, Vince McMahon
closed down his company, World Wrestling Entertainment, when he realized that
a majority of his talent roster was not really entertaining, nor were they
actually wrestling very often, nor did they travel anywhere in the world
outside of the southern United States.
- From August 14 until October 5,
the entire planet mourned the lives of 37 Ohio schoolchildren who met an
untimely demise at the hands of Debra Gortino, a disgruntled grammar school
lunch lady who secretly killed the children, stuffed their dismembered body
parts into milk cartons, and served them to kindergarteners for the next three
months.
The above events were not the only important happenings of 2003, but due to
new strict, government-enforced limitations, the incredible tragedy that
occurred on February 17, 2003, cannot be mentioned or discussed on this
website. Also, since all good news is utterly boring, any uplifting and/or
positive news stories have been omitted from this report.
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