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The Studio 8 Christmas Sweater Review #1
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Model Name: Cortez Chasity
Sweater Name: Simply Snowflaked
Reason this sweater should never exist: While all Christmas
sweaters have something wrong with them, most of them are at least
interesting to glance at. This one is terribly uninteresting and
even the most interesting man in the world (Jude Law) couldn't pull
it off, no matter how cute or handsome he is. This man (or woman) looks sort of
like Jude Law, though.
Model Name: Ms. Linda
Sweater Name: The Claus' Shake on a Single Button
Reason this sweater should never exist: Sweaters that
portray entire scenarios might cause too many smiles or evoke friendly
conversations: two things you want to avoid during the holiday
season. This sweater also does not count as a real sweater because
it increases your body temperature by only 6 degrees Celsius. The
international
minimum is 10. We don't like shitty sweaters.
Model Name: Model D
Sweater Name: Confusing Cartoon Medley
Reason this sweater should never exist: Most people will assume
that we do not like this sweater for its loud and ugly appearance.
But really we don't like it because it's itchy in the armpits.
Model Name: Gross Aunt Amy
Sweater Name: A Wonderful One-Piece
Reason this sweater should never exist:
Every Christmas morning, Aunt Amy
invites herself over to her happy, successful sister's house, and as
she stares and makes fun of the children opening their gifts, she
brags about the above one-piece sweater that she claims to have
knitted herself. Often she makes a fist and places it on her side
while loudly trying to figure out how much each gift costs. She also
stains the toilet seat every time she comes over.
Model Name:
897-11W
Sweater Name: It's Beginning to Bark a Lot Like
Christmas
Reason this sweater should never exist: Dogs don't know what
the true meaning of Christmas is. They never give out any presents and only
know how to receive them, and they don't know how to shop for
bargains, use coupons, or be thoughtful, so they aren't much
different from most spoiled children, and like them, they don't deserve
to be immortalized in sweater form.
Model Name: Rick "Big Lug" Faybar
Sweater Name: Sunny Side Up Over the Mountains
Reason this sweater should never exist: Because snow does
not equal Christmas. Because the sun isn't nearly that big. Because
how is that second mountain completely snow-less when the first one
is halfway covered in it? Because the sleeves don't add to the scene
at all. Because there is nothing falling from the sky, so how did the
snow get on the mountaintop? This sweater should never exist because
it depicts an impossible fantasy world that no one will ever live
in.
Model Name: Melanie Moolon
Sweater Name: Replacing the Chips with the Candy Cane
Reason this sweater should never exist: When choosing a
sweater (or any article of clothing except for socks) you've got to
make sure that it properly compliments the bones in your face. The
way this sweater drapes off this woman's neck (and anyone else's
neck, most
likely) makes her look sickly, and that is a surefire way to remain
a lonely and depressed virgin. All virgins are lonely and depressed.
None of them are happy. Especially around Christmastime.
Model Name: Cocoa
Sweater Name: I am Santa's Bitch For Eternity
Reason this sweater should never exist: I've never seen a
depressed dog until I saw poor Cocoa here. His misery goes far beyond
this picture, too. As a matter of fact, you can witness firsthand all
of the madness and lunacy of Cocoa's existence by visiting
THIS LINK and experiencing a very special Christmas with
Cocoa! Once you do, I think I don't need to say anything further.
THE END
So that's our X-mas Sweater Review for
2004. If you have a sweater that you'd like to be featured in next
year's review, please email it to us in eleven months or so because we
don't want to hang on to it until then. Also, make sure that it's an
ugly sweater. It's tough to ridicule beautiful things, and that goes
for more than just sweaters, people.
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