Goodbye, K-Mart
Page 2

Brock next tried to maneuver this strange and wonderful machine toward the front of the store to destroy the still-functional cash registers. However, his utter lack of mechanical know-how and extreme tendency to be incompetent at whatever task he undertakes kept Brock from moving the thing an inch. After a diligent 3 seconds' worth of grunting and pushing, Brock was forced to give up and carry on elsewhere.


Zac, perhaps the most underappreciated and unstable member of his dastardly team, furiously pumped away on bicycle after bicycle, hoping to encourage the droves of mindless, bargain-seeking customers to take the bicycles home with them. He broke 18 of the 21 bicycles in the process, which ironically ended up working in his favor when a wealthy broken bicycle enthusiast walked by and snatched up every broken bicycle in sight.


Subjecting himself to subzero temperatures and the risk of slipping on the ice-coated flooring, Truston prided himself on rescuing a cart full of empty trays. In reality, he just spent a few hours pushing the cart from one freezer room to the next, which in no way meant that he truly "rescued" the cart or the trays. The cart and trays were purchased by a family of Chinese immigrants shortly after Truston left the freezer.


Java, dizzy and tired from a long night of artificially inseminating crickets on his front porch, drifted off to sleep in the cold and bleach-covered arms of the large green wire-thing. Zac, thinking fast and acting even faster, emptied the contents of an expired can of Silly String on Java's prone body, which neither awakened Java nor damaged the K-Mart's seemingly indestructible interior.

Noticing that some customers were vomiting and leaving the store because of a pile of unsightly garbage, Truston dove into the midst of it, pretending that the garbage was not garbage, but instead an assortment of delectable treats thrown haphazardly on the floor.  His quick-thinking managed to keep the customers from leaving. However, Truston regretted doing this when he remembered that he and Brock were trying to keep all of the inventory inside the store and out of the grubby hands of the zombie-like customers.


Jared took the controls of the main food processing unit, talking Chris into being processed as a huge sausage link that would later be peddled to unwary customers. Unfortunately for Jared, fortunately for Chris, and kind of fortunately and kind of unfortunately for the unwary customers, the machine broke down half-way through the processing. Thus, only Chris' right arm and left nipple were turned into sausage. He later forgot that this sausage was actually part of his own body and ate all of it in one sitting.

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