Dear Ex-Lover,

       It's Valentine's Day…again. But don't worry. This year I'm not going to try to win you back by writing a stupid letter that discusses how and why our relationship failed.

       Our relationship failed because you didn't want to change your personality, lifestyle, or career for me, even though I ordered you to do so. I gave you that ultimatum and you threw it back in my face. That's when I knew I needed to smack you around a bit and burn all of your clothes, just to make you realize how perfect our love could be if you would do your part.

       So when I got out of jail three weeks later, I tried to stab your new boyfriend, Walter, who I felt was going to threaten all of the beauty that you and I had so carefully built over the past six months.

       And don't give me that, "Walter is my brother, not my boyfriend," routine. When a woman has a man around the house, that means he's her lover.

       If you hadn't started seeing him, trying to keep yourself protected from me, he would still be around today. Yes, he fell at the tip of my knife four years later when I escaped from prison. Yes, it's a shame you made me do that. No, I haven't stopped loving you.
It's not too late to give you another chance, though. So finish reading this letter, tuck it away someplace special, give me a call, and let's meet somewhere to have sex and talk. Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Your wittle snookums,

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