Friday the 13th is a rare occasion. According to
the Center for Statistical Data and Research Analysis of Certain Things, "the
odds of a Friday the 13th occurring in any given year is precisely proportionate
to the odds of any other day occurring in that same year." This means that you
should do something special on this Friday the 13th - something you wouldn't
normally do. We've put our minds to the plate and have come up with a list of
things you can do to make this the best Friday the 13th ever. Read it now!
- Wear a half-plucked live chicken around your neck
to ward off bad spirits and unlucky mishaps.
- Gingerly touch a spot on the wall for several hours and then wonder why you
did that.
- Find an elderly person who seems to be outliving their usefulness to the
planet and push them down a flight of stairs. Plant some sharp sticks at the
bottom of the stairs to make sure they get what they have coming!
- Kill Freddy Kreuger.
- Look for caterpillars and take some time to really encourage them to morph
into butterflies.
- Eat something light and flaky and filled with poo.
- Go to a popular night club and assert your male dominance by spilling drinks
on other dudes and petting girls' hair whether they like it or not. (GUYS ONLY!)
- Squeeze your titties until milk squirts out. (GIRLS ONLY!)
- Invent time travel, go back in time, and try to convince your parents to abort
you. If they refuse, kill yourself in front of them so they'll have to raise you
again with the painful knowledge that you're just going to kill yourself when
you grow up.
- Vomit into a Tupperware container, seal it, and keep it in your fridge until
the next Friday the 13th. When that day comes, open the container and look at
the moldy vomit disappointedly, muttering, "Stupid Tupperware. I'll never have
fresh vomit."
- Kill Freddy Kreuger again because he didn't die the first time.
- Rub your face vigorously on a hot sidewalk until you're a bloody mess and then
go to the mall and get Glamour Shots taken of your mangled face.
- Go door-to-door around your neighborhood asking for free blow-jobs.
- Mentor a disadvantaged youth, but dress him up in an adult-sized business suit
and help him run for some political office.
- Run.
- Hack into the FBI's mainframe computer and steal lots of identities!
- Kill Freddy Kreuger again, this time in both the dream world AND in the real
world. And use some kind of special ancient magic relic to do it.
- Send a beautiful flower arrangement to a co-worker, but make sure to fill the
vase with venomous spiders first. Tell the spiders to bite your co-worker.
- Make yourself completely, permanently happy. Somehow.
- Stick it to the man.
- Buy your mother a fancy present, then inexplicably break it and hide its
remains from her for the rest of your life.
- Give up on killing Freddy Kreuger and learn to love him.
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