- You’re holding onto one of his hands while he’s hanging over the edge of a cliff.
“Dad, if either your hand slips out of mine or if I just let go in a minute because I’m lazy, is it cool if I have Mom? Regardless of your answer, happy Father’s Day.”

 - You’ve forgotten Father’s Day…for the second year in a row.
“I’m sorry, Dad, but this day isn’t special to me because I’m not, nor do I ever want to be, a father. Hey, we’ll do something special together next year. I promise. I’ll tell you ‘happy Father’s Day’ then, too. Cool?”

	"Hey, I'm a dad and I appreciate being called 'Dad' when I'm talking to those things that I am the dad of." - Danny Dowl, Florida

- Your father is dead.
“Happy Father’s Day.”

- Your father has become horribly disfigured.
“Dad, I hope you don’t mind me wishing you a pleasant Father’s Day over the telephone because I really can’t stand the sight of your mangled face, especially after I just ate that huge Father’s Day meal with Mom’s new husband.”

- Your father doesn’t like you very much.
“I’m going to commit suicide tomorrow morning. I hope you’re happy. And I won’t bother wishing you a happy Father’s Day, either.”

- You don’t like your father very much.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you this for some time now, Dad. I’m very gay and very very slutty and I’m also never worried about having safe sex or being careful not to sleep with guys who have AIDS and herpes and such. By the way, happy birthday or whatever.”

- You have an irrepressible habit of telling lame jokes during semi-serious moments in your life.
“Hey, Dad! What did the baby toad tell the daddy toad on Father’s Day? Give up? He said, ‘Hoppy Frogger’s Day!’ Ribbit! Ow, Dad!”

- Your father is in prison because he took the blame when you poisoned your high school principal’s coffee with hemlock.
“Sucker! Happy Father’s Day.”

	"I don't like Spaniards to touch my children." - Bill Sicksie, Daytona

- Your father wakes you up in the middle of the night because he’s drunk again and he thinks he might have broken your mother’s collarbone and it’s your turn now.
“I don’t care if you are my Daddy and I also don’t care if it is Father’s Day, I’m pulling this fucking trigger if you take one more step goddamn step closer to me!”

<BANG!>

“Oops!”

<Checking his pulse to see if he’s dead.>

<BANG!>

<Checking pulse again.>

“Well, happy Father’s Day.”

Cool gifts to give your Dad:

- a hand-drawn gift certificate to some expensive restaurant

- a lap dance from your mother (here’s a coupon to help you out) -------------->

- a snot-filled handshake

- an autographed picture of himself

- something that he doesn't approve of

- a dorky-looking tweed hat to make him feel like a crabby old man

- “a jar filled with every tear of happiness your father has ever made you cry,” which is really just an old Coke can filled with toilet water

- undeniable proof that your mother is sleeping around on him behind his back

- one of these ------------------------------------------->

- a moldy jacket made from all of the used condoms that your father bought for you over the years

Father's Day Tips

 - Leave a tip for your father to show that you appreciate the service he gives you. A good tip is about 15%.

That's it for this Father's Day! Have a happy one and remember to not forget that remembering your father is something cool to do sometimes.