Your Guide to Road Rules 13!

So MTV has cooked up another fantastic bundle of kids, thrown them in a mega-uncomfortable RV, and shipped them to a place where all the locals will blindly follow them around, secretly loathe the attention and prizes they are winning, and openly cheer them on as they try to complete the craziest missions ever! Don't worry Road Rules fans, MTV has guaranteed that this year's stunts are the wildest ever! Are they or aren't they wilder than Road Rules 4 or 6 or 10? Whoa, who knows!! 

The lowdown on the RV!!!!!
This year, the roadies will be traveling in harsh conditions as their RV only has one DVD player. How in the world are 6 people supposed to share one DVD player? You better ask somebody, that's for sure. Also, the Roadies get to figure out a way to share only 4 double beds, which pretty much sucks. When they get lost, they don't even have the latest GPS device. Instead, it's some hand-me-down device that came out in 2003. In addition to that, we get to see 6 young adults attempt to maintain some level of sanity when they eat out all the time, get to travel to exotic places, and regularly find ways to let out their sexual frustrations. Is this Survivor or what?
 

What's up with the Missions????
Here's a little look at some of the missions rumored to take place this season!!!

Bite the Bologna
What happens when all 6 cast members are tied together by the ankles, suspended above a 5,000 square foot field of day-old bologna sandwiches and instructed to spell out the letters "MTV" by eating the sandwiches? I don't know!

Your Butt hole is a Cabinet
Here, the kids will be given one wheelbarrow full of chili with instructions to cram as much of this meaty and delicious food inside of their rectums! Some Roadies groan and moan at the thought of this - others don't!

The Blind Peacock Piss
What happens when the Road Rulers are tied to each other, blindfolded, and forced to guzzle a fifth of vodka each and instructed to pee on as many giant-beaked wild peacocks running rampant in a cage? You better ask somebody!

The Skinnier, the Better
Being fat is the pits, right everybody? Right, well, in this mission, the Roadies have to convince as many overweight citizens of whatever country they're in to lose weight - fat chance!
 

Hello Cast!
Contrary to what you may be thinking, I promise you that none of these people are as attractive as these photos lead you to believe. Enjoy!

Good Morning Kina!!!
Kina looks way hot, but you'll soon be bored with practically non-existent and insignificant tits. She is basically married to her makeup and for good reason - Kina is known in her small town for her uncanny similarity to Whoopi Goldberg when she wears no makeup. Kina's face is saying, "Hiyyiiyyiyiyiyiyi" and if you can't tell how annoying it is just by reading it, then just trust me.
Likes: Just splashin' around, goofin' off, and getting depressed.
Dislikes: Camouflage, The Real World, being made fun of.

 
What's Up, Patrick?
Patrick plans on causing as many nutty fiascos as possible to secure himself a spot on any of the 100 challenge-type shows where MTV compiles an "All-Star" cast from their reality programs. This way, he can quit his job, do some sit-ups, make out with someone in a hot tub, and maybe even say what's up to some hotties that are somewhere out there in that world.
Likes: Superglueing his hands on parts of his body, especially his shoulder.
Dislikes: His left shoulder.

Have You Talked to Danny Today?
If not, you'll be glad you didn't. Danny is one of those gay guys who not only finds guys attractive, but he actually enjoys talking and hanging out with them. Totally creepy, right? Oh yeah, it gets even worse. Danny actually has feelings for another gay person! If MTV is going to continue polluting the airwaves with this junk, I'm going to start writing some letters. If I don't start writing some letters, it's because I changed my mind.
Likes: Being delicious, acting naughty, behaving badly.
Dislikes: Anything cool.


How's it Going, Ibis!!!
Hmmm, slightly foreign...must have an attitude problem. Now you know what that means! Plenty of drama for anyone who steps to this! Expect Ibis to snap at any minute - now don't you go "egging" her on. Ibis is one of those rare types of girls who get frustrated when they don't get what they want. And you just might get "scrambled!"
Likes: Creamed corn, doing dishes.
Dislikes: Dinner, Movies, Kissing, Foreplay, Condoms.

Wait, What About Derrick?
"Hey guys, what about me? It's me, Derrick! I am irresistibly irresistible and you're going to love talking to me! Hey guys! Where are you going? I want to beat up a fag really bad and make him really bloody! That's just what I do! I guess that's just me!
Likes: American Eagle.
Dislikes: GAP.


Jodi, Is That You?
You know how every time MTV does a reality show somebody is some sort of transvestite? They are practically a reality-show stereotype nowadays. I don't have perfect proof that Jodi is a transvestite, but I do have this cool fantasy that while making out with her, her penis gets erect and taps me on my shoulder. Then, it begins to chop a whole turkey into little bitty lunch-sized portions (my fave) that Jodi and I gorge on at a lovely picnic that ends with us both vomiting so much into a little crawfish hole that little baby crawfish come and carry us home.

Likes: Monkey bars, pile-drivers, getting blow jobs.
Dislikes: Getting her dick swiped at with a knife.


No doubt, the only thing on the minds of viewers across the entire world will be whether or not these 6 strangers somehow learn to live together under the horrid conditions of instant popularity, lots of money, and fun experiences that 99% of the world will never get to experience. Nobody in the world will think about anything else besides these things for a long time, not including myself.

As you tune in to this show, children, please keep in mind that T-Mobile and American Eagle hope you have a great day!

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