- Send your mother a gift that you think she will find cute - preferably something overpriced, useless, and Made in China.

- Ask your mom for five bucks.

- Dig a very deep hole in your backyard. Throw your mother in it. Fill the hole back up.

- Without letting her know you are doing it, bake your mother's favorite dessert. If this requires the use of more than 3 ingredients or an oven, buy her some discounted pastries and an expired carton of milk from the grocery store.

- Postpone the murdering of your younger siblings for at least another 4 months.

- The day before Mother's Day, pour an entire bucket of acrylic paint down your throat and then tell your mother what you did. This way she will get to spend the next 24 hours in the emergency room filling out extensive paperwork, defending herself from all the other crazed patients, and wondering whether or not you will make it through the night.

- Go to a Hallmark store and scribble the word "fucker" behind the word "mother" on every Mother's Day card you see. This is a mature and healthy way to spread love across your city.

- Write a comedic yet heart-warming script that highlights all of your favorite memories and characteristics of your mother. Then, get some friends to help you put the script on film. Afterward, call up a local theatre and arrange to have the film played on a certain day...Eh, screw it. This kind of shit takes too much time and effort. Just get her a chocolate-coated Beanie Baby or something.

- Explain to your mom that you love her unconditionally and that you think her titties are very nice for her age.

- Forego any hope of a social or sexual future for yourself and ask your mother to be your Prom date this year. If you've already graduated from high school, surely you can find some Prom somewhere that you can take her to.

- Open your mom's old high school yearbook and point out how hot she used to look and ask her tell old stories about her adolescent years until she realizes that the best years of her life are far behind her and its all downhill from here

- Inform your mother that you are dating one of her best friends and that you would appreciate it if she would let your father join the two of you in a threesome in the near future.

- Treat her to a genuine "taste of the Southwest!" This probably has something to do with Mexican food and her eating it.

- Assemble as many family members as possible and give a sentimental and heartfelt speech about what a great dad your father is.

- Leave little notes all around the house that say things like: "Oh, Mom!" "Mom, you gave birth to me!" or "Other women are definitely not you, Mommy!"

- Secretly adopt a child and then present this child to your mother, politely letting her know that it's time for you to move on and also time for someone else to have her for their mommy.

- When your mom sleeps, sneak into her room and pull off her pajamas. Suck on her nipples as hard as you can, using as much teeth as possible. Make sure you are wearing nothing but diapers and a bonnet while you do this. When she awakens and asks why you are doing this, keep on a-sucking, show her a baby picture of yourself, and then direct her attention to your erect penis.

- If you happen to come across an unwed teenage mother, punch her in the face for having unprotected sex while being an unwed teenager. Be sure to tell her that on this Mother's Day, as well as all future Mother's Days, she has nothing to celebrate about.