Follow these tips to have a safe and patriotic 4th of July!

- Spend at least 200 dollars on fireworks and as you watch them explode, pretend that it was worth all that money.

- Point and stare at your stupid relatives' 3-D American Flag sweatshirt.

- Paint the American Flag on some toilet paper.

- Write Paul McCartney a letter explaining the effect his hit song "Freedom" has had on you.

- If you own a pet, it must be wearing some sort of clothing with American Flags on it. Pets want to show pride too, whether they will admit it or not.

- Get a new, patriotic screen name, like "USA Patriot" and then ask someone what a patriot is.

- Hope you don't die.

- Make your kids recite "America the Beautiful" backwards.

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