At this time of year, it's important to get presents from people you know, but it's more important to remember who was born on this holiday…Santa Claus. Santa's father, Joseph Claus, was a 35-year old leaf-collector who had never been laid before. One night, probably not in December, though we overlook details and pretend it was in December, Joseph met this woman, Mary, who had probably never been laid before, though we don't really talk about that. What Joseph had that Mary wanted is not exactly sure, but the point is, she wanted to hook up. 

      So those two tried to find a place to hook up, but all the motels in town were full. So they had to hook up behind this barn. Now, though they only dry-humped and never actually had sex, Mary got knocked up and within a few hours, she gave birth to a baby boy AND a baby girl. 

      The boy was named Santa, which was really "SATAN" with the letters mixed up since his parents weren't educated very well (and they were Satanists, which was another product of their limited education). The girl was never given a name because she wasn't necessarily wanted or expected and was quietly tossed into a dumpster near the barn. 

      Now three homeless guys, roused by the screams of a woman in labor, stumbled over to the barn and began rambling about how they had foreseen the miraculous birth long ago in a series of heroin/alcohol-induced visions. They said they had traveled from a faraway land, but Mary and Joseph (and maybe even Santa) knew that they had climbed out of the dumpster that the fetus was dumped into. But the bums had some Crown Royal on them, so they were allowed to hang out for a while. 

      A little while later, some goat farmers showed up and offered a goat to Santa and his proud parents. Supposedly, some beings from the heavens had revealed the birth of Santa to the goat farmers, though they were all card-carrying members of the UFO Appreciation Society. Being semi-excited and a little drunk, Santa's parents agreed to party with the goat farmers. Unfortunately, the goat farmers' idea of a party was rubbing goat blood on their genitals and getting into fist-fights.

      Santa, shivering in his pig trough, turned his partially-functioning baby eyes to the cruel sky and wished the first of a million such wishes that he could have a better life far from the people he was related to. One day, after many trials and tribulations and miracles and parables and misinterpreted legends, Santa was chosen to bear the burden of the world by delivering presents and joy to every unappreciative household in the world. And for some reason, he's immortal and has all sorts of magical powers, but he doesn't interact socially or spiritually with anyone else besides some elves and reindeer and his wife. 

       So merry Christmas to everybody! And have a real neat time with your family and Jesus!

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