A Very Christmas Christmas

     Last X-Mas, Studio 8 gave you this touching version of the traditional X-mas story. This X-mas, which we are going to call “Christmas,” has been one of the most highly anticipated holidays in the Studio 8 headquarters. The stockings have been hung on the tree with care, eggnog is roasting on the open fire, and there are prickly wreaths of Holly around everyone’s necks in preparation for one of the most exciting times in quite some time. But nobody is more mindlessly ecstatic about Christmas than all of the Studio 8 characters. At the 2002 Studio 8 Holiday Party last weekend, all of the S8 characters played a wacky game called “The Kris Kringle Game,” which is quite popular at boring office parties all across the world. Half-heartedly playing the game, they drew each others’ names and then had to buy presents for whoever’s name they drew. Below is a list of who drew who, what everyone wanted for Christmas, and what everyone ended up getting for Christmas.

Stephen Sport wanted: “A tight New York Jets Starter jacket, a fresh New York Yankees cap, a phat New York Knicks coffee cup, some bizz-omb New York Giants sunglasses, a dope-looking New York Rangers poster, and a wack New York Mets lunchbox.”

Gammy Fritz gave him: A bag of melted York Peppermint Patties and an old, sickly Yorkshire Terrier that smothered to death in the box Gammy crammed it into.

 

Cedric von Samiss wanted: “A gift certificate to Shay’s Shiny Shirt Cleaning Service, an assortment of flavored and non-flavored Vaseline products, and, of course, a few subscriptions to Sassy Magazine!”

Stephen Sport gave him: A Bobby Banilla bobble head doll, yin-yang earrings, Sex in the City on DVD.

Clay wanted: “A badger pelt/beard trimmer, a few sturdy pairs of men’s panties, and last week’s TV Guide so I can know what came on the TV last Christmas.”

Gentleman Brock gave him: A “Buy One, Rent One Free” coupon for Teddy’s Tuxedo Shoppe, a monogrammed pre-soiled handkerchief, and a tattered copy of his unpublished book A Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Gentleman by Sir Gentleman Brock, Esquire.

Stripes wanted: “A robotic friend to pet me, a bowl of fresh water, some attention, and a new thing to look at.”

Barbara Stanson gave him: A half-eaten box of Yummer’s Doggie Biscuit Treats, a Hershey’s Chocolatey Desserts recipe book, and a dog-sized T-shirt that reads “I am one Hot Dog!” (which looked like someone had smeared mustard and ketchup on it and tried to swallow it).



 

Gentleman Brock wanted: “A “Buy One, Rent One Free” coupon for Teddy’s Tuxedo Shoppe, a monogrammed pre-soiled handkerchief, and a copy of my unpublished book A Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Gentleman by Sir Gentleman Brock, Esquire.”

Stripes the Dog gave him: Nothing because he is a simple-minded dog and has neither the money with which to make purchases nor the ability to comprehend any kind of economic trading system.

Paper Pants (on the left) wanted: “HBO’s The Sopranos Season 2 on VHS, a new filter for my gas mask, and anything that can be used to swiftly and efficiently crush a human skull.” (Well, he didn’t say this since he never speaks, but he looked at us in a way that suggested all of these things.)

Lord of Darkness gave him: A thorough tongue-lashing, a headache, more evil assignments to be carried out ASAP, and a framed Glamour Shots picture of himself.

Lord of Darkness (on the right) wanted: “A crustier, more evil-looking cloak, a more unpleasant and foul-smelling lair, some sort of incurable and highly contagious fatal disease, and a pint of Mentadent toothpaste for my halitosis.”

Paper Pants gave him: A Chia Pet gift set, which he found on sale at Walgreen’s Pharmacy for $49.95 (plus a $2.95 rebate). Paper Pants was very busy and had to do all of his Christmas shopping at the last minute at the Walgreen’s Pharmacy where he works.

Barbara wanted: “Fudge Rounds, Ho-Ho’s, Ding Dongs, cupcakes, hotcakes, fruitcakes, tea cakes, and any other kinds of food that either are or aren’t cakes.”

Clay Shompson gave her: A pack of his mother’s cigarettes, a bottle of his mother’s perfume, some old fireworks from last year’s 4^th of July, a can of bug spray that he stole from Wal-Mart, and a Snickers bar wrapper that included a free entry for the Mars Candy Company’s “Chocoholics Dream Sweepstakes.”

Minkis the Robot wanted: “One Segway scooter for me to mate with, one pair of unused Pentium Acceleron 27 Microchips, three cans of face wax, twelve 40 V side-mountable swivel light fixtures with iris-friendly apertures , and the latest Radio Shak Catalogue.”

Cedric von Samiss gave him: Two quarts of Revelonn “Biege ‘n Beautiful” lipstick, a limited edition Francois T’Beaux evening gown with matching accessories, a Norflek Treadmill/Bench Press Machine, and a gift certificate for two at Derek’s Manicure and Massage Parlour.

Gammy Fritz wanted: Medication, anything that kills Tootsies, some BINGO-playing shoes, and “one of such contraptions that would destroy every damned one of those nurses and all of their fool-headed silly rules about not screaming whenever I damned well feel like it.”

Minkis the Robot gave her: Tic-Tacs painted to look like medication, a self-constructed Tootsie-killing device, 3 pairs of NIKE BINGO-playing shoes, and the heads of Gammy’s nursing home’s nurses on a platinum platter.