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Holy Christ
of Jesus School is looking for someone to play Jesus in the
Christmas play. Must be a baby and born of a virgin. Ability to act
not necessary. You’ll just lie in a manger the whole time.
Ms. Ginger @ 555-2390.
Desperately
seeking the computer games Solitaire and Minesweeper. Money is no
object. Call Whitney @ 555-8722.
General Executive
Looking for a
middle-aged person who can wear a nice suit and come into our office
and sit at a desk and look important and busy. Ability to carry a
briefcase a plus. Providing the briefcase a bigger plus. You will be
paid to do nothing all day, every day. Generic Firm, Inc. –
555-2394.
I have some
gross boogers encrusted on my eyes and I need help removing them.
Nobody I know wants to touch them, but maybe you do!
Greg
555-8887
Pizza Hut is now hiring delivery bike-riders to
deliver pizza pies to downtown Baton Rouge where a lot of criminals
live and crime-related stuff is always happening. Bad pay.
Call
Dommie @ 555-5665.
I’ve got this thing in my head and it won’t come out. I think it’s
called an ice-pick. My sister put it there last night after I called
her a dork. Please help me get it out! Charlie @ 555-3614.
I
don’t need your help, but I’d sure appreciate it. This box is just too
heavy to lift on my own. The name’s Ralph and I’ll be waiting outside my
truck for you to come & give me a hand.
For the love of me!
If you can make every Christmas in the history of the world somehow
disappear, I will give you eternal life in Heaven. It's so corny and I
can't stand it anymore.
- God
Uh,
just pray if you need to get in touch with me. I might not get back
to you right away, or ever.
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St. Johnny's Xmas Tree Removal
Don't feel like celebrating Christmas anymore, but
you've already bought a tree? We'll dynamite that bitch out of there
lickety-split!
555-2121
Not responsible for any presents lost as a result
of the blast.
Gifted Pleasures
I will eat every holiday treat that you don't want
to eat - fruitcakes, figgy puddings, children, urine-soaked
blankets.
Call 555-1294 & ask
for Karen!
Bob’s.
Call 555-3129.
Fatsies By the Pound!
You
love fat people? You want more fat people around? We can provide you
with more fat than you'll ever need. One simple call.
555-0021
For
entertainment purposes only. Simulated fat people experiences. Not
suitable for children under 13 or above 120 pounds.
All kinds of
services offered! Just look above and below this ad to see what type
of service interests you! Paid for by the Studio 8 Classifieds
Services Section Enthusiasts of America.
Wanna throw a foam
party?
Stuuuuupid!
We specialize in changing small light bulbs. Not willing to
use ladders. Sorry.
Call JBR Light Bulb Changers @ 555-2229.
24-hr. service.
Pool installation, plumbing, etc. Call the Saurage Bros. No,
we’re not the Sausage Bros. and we don’t make sausage. We don’t even
like it. 555-2971.
Sausage grinding, recipes, etc. Call the Sausage Bros. No,
we’re not the Saurage Bros. and we don’t install pools. We don’t
even know how to swim. 555-1792.
Prame Installation Services. Will install pretty much
anything for 3 easy installments of $54. VISA/MC. 555-1219. |
FOR SALE: One X-Box 360. Brand new. Opened and played
once. Broken. Still in original sealed box. This is a pre-order
only. Item sold as is.
Skippy's Scam World
555-2393
For trade only!
One ultra-rare Sunburst Battle Beast from the mid 1980's. Included
is a 364-page joke book I wrote about the Battle Beasts! You must
take the book if you want the figure.
Kenny - 555-3221
Too dum
books withowt picktures in them.
Reel dum!
7$ for eech ones. Danny @ 555-0128.
For Sale: Nude
pictures of yourself. Tell me where you live and I will take them
and then sell them to you later at a great price. Or else I will
sell them on the internet. Nice family rates! Dick Franz @ 555-9672.
For Sale: Your dog. Yeah, I stole it and now you
have to buy it back, bitch! I'm talking to you, Dannielle.
Bo @ 555-2115
One sleigh. $40.
Bought it for $800. Thought I’d use it more, but it never snows in
Louisiana and I don’t own any sled dogs. Email
turk@hotmail.com. Perfect for Louisiana.
For sale: One
golden ticket. Won’t get you into any places and isn't worth
anything, but looks really good. $10,000.
Call Darvis - 555-1293
One mating pair of Burmese Pygmy Frogs free to a
good home that is equipped with a 10,000 sq. ft living sanctuary for
these 2 tiny highly-poisonous creatures. They've killed once and
will kill again.
Harrison @ 555-1213
FOR SALE
One loyal, loving husband. He said he doesn't want
a divorce, so I'm selling him. Will take whatever you have lying
around as payment.
Doris @ 555-2381
SALE!
SALE!
Don't let this one pass you buy! You'll really be
sorry! It's cheap and cool! Check it out!
Only $5!
While supplies last. Offer void when offered.
4 sale:
One website.
Sike!
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Chestnuts Roasting
One well-hung, lonely Christmas ornament seeking a
tree to perch on until the New Year. Gay, bi, straight, dead -
whatever. As long as you're not my mother.
Freddie @ 555-1293
Me and my girlfriend are watching "You’ve Got Male” and “Glad
He Ate Her" Thursday night at 8 pm at my house. Everyone* is welcome
to come. *(Couples only) Call Steve the Playa-Hater at 555-1212.
I just burned down my ex-girlfriend's house and I
want a new girlfriend. Hook me up. You'll be sorry you did.
Tedley
555-1218
I’m all tied
up with lots of meetings and such, so I don’t have time to take out
this classified ad. Jay Jameson Law Firm @ 555-6091.
I want more than
I can handle, so if you have any extra, send it my way. I can handle
it. Lacey @ 555-7767.
Cellphone Hornies
SWF seeking SBM for erotic speakerphone
conversations at the Christmas dinner table. My entire family really
gets turned by it. So it's sorta like my present to them. Gravy
included.
Tiffany @ 555-2914
I’m running this ad for two weeks in a row. Farson @
555-9174.
Man Seeking Woman
42, average-looking, decent job. I have a good
personality. That about sums me up. Always full of things to say.
Dave @ 555-1000
SBFRTM seeking SODFYGF to EQOSZT with from time to
time. Also IVBMSM if you're interested.
Tonya @ 555-3334
College Cutey
97, sickly, pale.
I'm not in college, but I own one. Looking for one last
thing to put my dick into.
Hervert McGillicuddy @ 555-2910 |
Thanks for granting
my wishes, Santa. I love my new Playstation! Love, Henry Salter.
Thanks for
letting me borrow all the equipment and that old Santa costume,
dude. – Joseph Salter.
Thanks for granting
Henry’s wishes, Joseph. You are a great brother. – Mary Salter.
If anyone knows
the whereabouts of a middle-aged male in a Santa Claus costume,
please call the police. He is wanted for numerous counts of theft
and necrophilia.
Obvious Subliminal
Message: Watch Lost
in the Woods, sketch comedy from Studio 8 Entertainment.
What time is it!? Barlow @ 555-1334.
Thank you, St. Elmo, for being such a cute and cuddly saint.
You are my favorite Sesame Street character ever. - Francois DuBois.
Thanks to all my producers, directors, agents, and everybody
else. You all are great and I love you! If I forgot anyone, I’m
sorry. This one’s for you, baby. – Actor who just won some award.
SHAZAM!
I got you! Now
it’s your turn to get me. Farland @ 555-8924.
Green bean
casserole! Sound nice? Well, I think so, too. Penelope.
Seminar: How to
Prevent Boring Lectures in Long, Pointless Seminars. LOW price -
$500! Meeting at the Baton Rouge Waffle Hut on Perkins.
I can tell you if
you look fat in that, honestly. Call Lane @ 555-6931.
I'm having a bad
hair day! Don't remind me! - Charles
Calling All Big Dogs!
You all bark & no bite? Wear those Big Dog shirts
year-round, baby! Not just when you're hot, but when you're cool,
too!
Big Dog Booksie
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