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HELP!
Lonely fratboy in need of fraternity. FAST! I've got 2 kegs of
Heineken on ice and nobody to drink it with! Call me up, bro!
Call Brad @ 555-1289.
I want the Bee Gees dead. All of them. Right now. No more
pussyfooting around the bush.
Call Gina @ 555-9054.
Somebody please show me how deep my vagina is WITHOUT using your
penis! And yes, I know how wide it is already, thank you very much.
Amy @ 555-5190.
My
stomach is filled with gummy bears because I did this stupid food
challenge with my grandma. Now I can't shit. Any suggestions? If so,
or if not, call Seth @ 555-2758.
All I need is 5 more dollars and I can afford the
Count Dooku Action Playset. My boss won't give me a raise and my
wife wants money to feed our stupid kids. Call me @ 555-1592 for my
address.
EMERGENCY!
Young man sick of living on planet Earth seeks new
planet to live on. Hopefully one with food, water, and oxygen, but
not so many televisions. Anyone with any leads, please call Eric @
555-5739.
If you
can lose the buzzards that keep trailing me everywhere I go, I'd
appreciate it. Also, I need water, fast.
I'm
lost in the desert. Find me standing by a cactus. Thanks.
I need
guitar lessons, but I want to teach myself to play. Can you teach me
how to teach guitar lessons? But don't teach me how to play guitar,
OK?
No pay
whatsoever involved.
Terry @
555-4210. |
Need something incinerated?
No job too big or too small. Everything from ants to
continents. As long as I have enough napalm, I'm all good.
Call the US Army @
1-800-GO-ARMY!
Toots Express is here for all of your farting
needs! Loud, smelly, wet, dry, silent but deadly, squeakers, queefs,
butt-bombs - we do it all! Bring your fart in and we'll take care of
the rest.
No poots please.
Toots Express
555-1749
Superhero
vanquishing. World dominating. Easily foiled evil plans. I do all
this and more.
Call Dr. Doom @ 555-EVIL.
Have too many things in your life?
I agree. Why don't you let me have some of those things?
Crandle's
Thing-Taking Service.
555-4413.
Mrs.
Tattersly's Same-Day Cake Replacement
Any cake, any time.
555-2131
LOOK!
Throwing a frat party and you have no Heineken? I've
got the hook-up, as long as you don't need more than 2 kegs.
Call Brad's Heine-keg Company @ 555-1289.
Like sex but hate talking? I will have sex with
you without saying a word as long as you're a hot chick and you're
on the pill.
Cheap rates for the first few callers.
Biff @ 555-9123.
Garrett McCrary's Classic Fight Reenactment Squad
will come to your house and reenact any fight you want us to so your
friends and loved ones can see what your favorite fight was like.
555-8573
Our fights look really real, so please stop calling the cops on us
when we come.
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I'm
totally selling out. Straight up. So I guess I'm for sale now.
Call Gwen Stefani @ 555-1249.
4 SALE!
2 ice-cold kegs of Heineken. I took a
few sips, but there's still enough for at least 1 bad-ass frat
party.
Call Brad @ 555-1289.
For sale: 4 quarts of stale, rancid semen. Roughly
500 billion sperm. I was going to impregnate Britney Spears with
this, but the slut went and got married.
Go figure.
Brent @ 555-6728.
CHEAP! CHEAP!
Hundreds of thousands of experience points! Use them in any game you
want! Move up level after level in minutes!
A nickel per point. Call Bradley's Den of Dragonslayers @ 555-8844.
4 Sale
1 Anti-Time Travel Machine
No more time traveling for you! My machine is
guaranteed to keep you right here, right now...forever! Just flip it
on and forget about it. AA batteries required.
Call Dr. Pinwheel @ 555-7223.
Unbelievable fading, shrinking T-shirt!
Each time you wash and dry this amazing T-shirt,
it shrinks a little and even fades in color! Entertain your
housepets for hours!
Novel Novelties Co.
555-0183
4 Sale
One slightly used shoulder. I was born with three
and I sure as hell only need two. Pay for it to be surgically
removed and it's yours.
Darno the Human Freak @ 555-8889.
One collection of old white man's scalps. I should
have stopped scalping years ago. These things just sit around
collecting dust. Half of them are balding anyhow.
Call Chief Brown Rounds @ 555-0005. |
Bored, lonely housewife looking for a househusband
to help take care of the house and perhaps have some housechildren.
I have big titties.
Call Margaret @ 555-1290.
One extremely silly man seeking one extremely
serious girl to get aggravated at me and call me immature and
foolish all the time.
It will make me even sillier!
Danley @ 555-0221.
SWF seeking SWM who can hold my interest. You
know, this is boring already. Let's forget it.
Danielle @ 555-2004
DISCO QUEEN
SBF who just woke up from a 35-year coma looking
for a SBM who loves to boogie and march in civil rights
demonstrations. Right on, baby!
Person looking for another person.
Call Dr. Dillinger @ 555-2312.
Billy goat seeks his mountain man.
Got something I can climb onto and indulge my
fantasies in? Call Old Bill @ 555-2445.
I really am an actual goat.
HEY!
I just sold my kegs in that column to the left, so
I've got nothing to do anymore. If you call me, I guess we can try
to find some cool frat parties to go to. Whatever.
Call Brad @ 555-1289.
I want to date you, fuck you, then break up and move on to
someone else.
Call me at 555-4490 and I'll pencil you in on my calendar.
I COLLECT DATES!
Want to take me on a date? If you do, you'll make it
into my Date Scrapbook, which I flip through every single night, no
matter what!
Tarfin @ 555-5551 |
Shove this classified ad up your ass, you fucking idiot!
Franklin @ 555-2190.
Who left grandpa in the rain all night? Somebody
is going to have to clean up this mess and break the news to
grandma!
- MOM
Kids, don't light your nutsacks on fire. Any
questions? Fireman Carl @ 555-9212.
I thought I was Santa Claus, but now I know I'm
really just Santa Claude. Sorry, everyone.
I danced with you last night at the Tiki Club Hole
in Miami. You wore a green shirt and I wore a pink dress and William
Shatner mask. I wanted you to know that I think you really suck at
dancing.
Jason, stop pulling my braids out of my hair in
class or I will tell everyone about your nipple problems. I swear I
will.
Kacey @ 555-1030
Call this
number and win a Studio 8 CD -
225-278-2032.
Get the
fuck out of my face, you dirty bitch!
Sincerely,
Peter
PS - I
didn't mean that.
I got
herpes if anyone wants to look at them or console me.
Cindy @ 555-0101.
NO!
Kegs, please come back to me. I was
wrong to let you go like that. I hope no one drank you up already.
Fuck, I'm drunk, but it's not the same without you!
Call Brad @ 555-1289.
Brains? Coins?
Frogs? Balloons?
I don't know what
they are, but you better tell me soon!
Herbert @ 555-1222 |
