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The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman Excerpt #2 When on a date with a young lady, a gentleman opts to pick up the check for her food only if he feels he may get the chance to at least fondle her breasts later. If a gentleman is dining in a restaurant and he recognizes some people sitting at another table, he hides his face with a menu or plate as he sneaks out of the restaurant, secretly paying for the other table’s check out of courtesy. A gentleman treats another person’s dog as he would a dog of his own, feeding it handfuls of chili and harshly chastising it when it defecates all over the floor. A gentleman thinks for a minimum of fifteen minutes before every sentence he says. Unless he is an English teacher, a gentleman does not assign homework to others. He may assign it to himself as long as he gets someone else to grade it. Arguing is not an option for gentlemen. If any person has an opinion about something, a gentleman faithfully accepts that person’s opinion as his own truth. This is why the world is both round and flat. If a gentleman must adjust his crotch while in public, may do so by using the edge of a table or fencepost instead of his hands. If such things are not readily available to him, he may rub his crotch against the nearest person. A gentleman ridicules those who are weaker and/or less fortunate than himself once they have passed well out of earshot. This rule of course does not apply to deaf or blind people since they either can’t hear him or they can’t find him to offer any physical retaliation. A gentleman tells amusing anecdotes about his lonesome and boring life whenever there is an awkward silence, even when he is not in the company of others. For courtesy and safety reasons, a gentleman defends all automated teller machines with his life. If there is already a line of people waiting to use the machine, a gentleman assumes they are all criminals and tries to scare them away from the machine by setting it on fire. A gentleman voids his bowels into a plastic baggy whenever he gets “the urge” at a friend’s house. Dirtying the toilets of others is barbaric. A gentleman does not shave in the gym shower, though he may urinate therein as he pleases as long as he soaks it up with his own washrag. If the weather is chilly, a gentleman wears thick gloves. No one appreciates a cold handshake. However, everyone appreciates a cold milkshake. Because of this, the gentleman fills his gloves with a milkshake flavor of his choice before he puts them on.
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