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The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being
a Gentleman
Men throughout time have been faced with the seemingly
impossible task of remaining respectable and orderly, even when they should
be allowed to act however they please. Women have been the customary
authorities of standards of behavior that men should live up to. Experts
such as Stanley Shuppinski and Sir Gentleman Brock, Esquire, have also
greatly influenced these standards. A gentleman allows himself to be walked on and screwed over repeatedly without once complaining about it. A gentleman refrains from picking his nose in public. He instead does it in private, promptly gobbling up whatever worthy morsels he finds therein. A gentleman neither reads nor writes crude words. Especially not “donkey nut-shit-face.” And especially not dime store fantasy novels about naughty nursing home patrons. If a gentleman throws a party and one of his guests breaks something, the gentleman refuses payment for it. If a gentleman breaks something at a party he is attending, he completely and immediately replaces the object. In the case of a gentleman breaking a gentleman’s object at a party, there shall then be a Gentleman Standoff in which both gentlemen compliment each other mercilessly until one relents. A gentleman never asks a young lady if she is pregnant, especially if he has recently ejaculated inside of her. A gentleman never refers to himself as a “genital-man.” If a gentleman despises someone, he secretly mutilates himself out of guilt. Consequently, if a gentleman is despised by someone, he secretly mutilates himself out of courtesy. A gentleman never playfully aims his Salad Shooter at anyone, especially a salad. When a gentleman wishes to excuse himself from a social gathering, he pretends to have diarrhea or the need to vomit, tightly clutching his rear or mouth as he rushes from the room. Immediately following a violent domestic dispute, a gentleman makes sure to ask his battered wife/boyfriend/child, “Are you okay?” A gentleman ridicules those who are weaker and/or less fortunate than himself once they have passed well out of earshot. This rule of course does not apply to deaf or blind people since they either can’t hear him, or they can’t find him to physically retaliate. A gentleman tells amusing anecdotes about his lonesome and boring life whenever there is an awkward silence, even when he is not in the company of others. A gentleman voids his bowels into a plastic baggy whenever he gets “the urge” at a friend’s house. Dirtying the toilets of others is barbaric. A gentleman always closes the eyes of the victim he is about to bury, showing respect where it’s due. A gentleman is endlessly nice and never gets laid.
A gentleman calmly realizes that he does
not exist.
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