I can’t prove anything I’m about to say, but here goes. As usual, I received a few letters from my mother this week. However, something that’s not so usual was that in one of these letters, Mother asked how my roommate was doing. This struck me as being very suspicious for two reasons:

1 – Why would Mother ask how my roommate was doing only a mere sentence after asking how I was doing?

2 – If Mother is so worried about my health and mental stability like she said later in the letter, why would she waste any time talking about a person whom she has (supposedly) never met?

Here’s a snippet from her actual letter so you can see for yourself:

 “…it looks like he’ll have to get that lanced and drained again, but I’m sure God will watch over him. Praise the Lord.
            So anyway, Drake, how are you? How are things working out with your roommate? You haven’t mentioned anything about him recently so I was wondering if you two were still having your little “disagreements.” Sometimes life is a mystery.

You should really keep taking those pills the doctor prescribed you. They were very expensive…”

 What is Mother trying to get at here? The only conclusion I can come up with is that she is somehow two-timing my father with my roommate, which literally makes me want to vomit.

Actually, I don’t want to vomit, but I’ve done so at least three times since I read the note this morning. Make that four times, now. I hope my roomie doesn’t mind all this vomit in the room. I wouldn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way, heavens no!

As if I haven’t felt uncomfortable the twenty or so times today that I’ve pictured him with my mother in a passionate yet tender embrace of lust, betrayal, and forbidden ecstasy!

It all makes so much sense to me now. Sometimes my roommate leaves for the weekend and doesn’t tell me where he’s going. And he never mentions his trips to me when he returns, either. Of course, at this point, we rarely say anything to one another besides, “Hey,” or “How’s it going?”

Why else would he avoid conversation with me and try to not make eye contact when he’s in the room? The jerk is sleeping with my mother, that’s why!

They’ve been doing it right under my nose the whole time! That’s what hurts the worst.

I’ve written and mailed two letters to Mother so far, and though I’d like to call her out directly on her adulterous perversions, for now I will be content with just dropping subtle hints here and there until she is ready to confess.

As for my hormone-driven roomie, it’s a different story. I think it’s about time I told him who stole that picture of his younger sister and what exactly I’ve been doing with it. Yeah, I bet he’d love that.

Ah, revenge is so sweet. Now to figure out how to break the news to my poor father without Mother finding out. I know! I’ll send him a virtual greeting card and encrypt the message in Wingding font like I always do. Hopefully, he’ll figure it out before Mother decides to leave him and move in with my son of a bitch roommate.