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If there’s one thing I’ve learned at college, it’s that you can’t do too much or you’ll get burnt out and go crazy. Right now I’m taking 12 freaking hours, plus going to church 3 times a week, and keeping up with several online chatting communities that I’m a member of. I barely have any time to spend banishing baddies on Diablo 2 with my Level 99 Barbarian! Living a life as busy as this can wear you down, believe me, but my stupid roommate does at least 10 times more than I do, and that’s why he’s such a messed-up idiot all the time.

To put it bluntly, I think my roommate is good at too many things. Here’s what a typical day for him is like: 18 hours of classes, working out his beefy muscles at the gym, practicing his piano and singing lessons, taking his dumb cheerleader girlfriend on dates, working at the Student Union doing all kinds of Social Club activities, tutoring retarded little kids (for free!), and writing boring political essays for the campus newspaper…I know, it sounds like the lifestyle of an insane person, right? Well, I think the old saying is “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” and that’s exactly what I want to say right now!

Last weekend, when my roommate went to visit his dumb girlfriend’s dumb parents, I sat down and compiled a list of all the things that he’s really good at. Not the things that the school or his family says he’s good at, but the things that I, the one person that lives closest to him, see on a daily basis. I filled up a whole spiral notebook in just 2 and a half days! Here’s an inkling of a sample of what made it onto the Master List:

Things My Roommate is Good At
Saying dumb things	My God, every day he walks in with something stupid to say like, “Hey, man,” or “How you doing today?” Yeah, I see you. You don’t need to say hey. And yes, just assume that I’m doing “fine” every day because that’s the only response I’ll ever give you anyway.
Using up all the toilet paper	Every morning at precisely 4:16 AM, my roommate sneaks out of bed and takes a dump. This doesn’t bother me because I was raised to treat my bowel movements with clock-like accuracy, too. What bothers me is that he literally goes through about 100 rolls of TP in a week. And I’m talking about freaking 3-ply TP! I wish they made 100-ply TP. Then maybe he’d only go through about 1 roll a week. I’m so sick of him using it up that I refuse to buy anymore as long as we’re living together. I’ve had to use pieces of notebook paper or old socks because he’s so dumb, he forgets to buy more sometimes!
Downloading pornography and viruses on my computer and then erasing all the evidence	Of course, I don’t have any evidence of this, but sometimes my computer runs slow when I’m watching my downloaded episodes of SeaLab 2021 and I’m sure that it’s not my fault. Why doesn’t he download all that stuff on his computer? Well, let’s just say that I’ve got plans of my own in store. More on this at a later date!
Singing	This is one thing that I agree on with everybody else. He’s just got a good singing voice and sometimes I crouch and listen at the bathroom door when he’s in the shower, even when he’s not singing. He hums nicely, too. But I’m not going to tell him that and make him feel important, no way!
Studying	Whoop-tee-do! You know how to study real hard and make straight A’s. Are you still in Junior High? Nobody cares about A’s and B’s and C’s anymore except kintergardners…kindlegardeners…kintygartnurs… however you spell it. 5-year-olds is what I’m talking about and my roommate is one!
Eating fatty junk food and then puking it up	Once again, I don’t have any evidence for this, but I have seen him wipe his mouth while exiting the restroom and I’ve seen little bits of food and such in his toothbrush bristles. How else could he stay so lean and handsome? Celebrities do it, so why wouldn’t he?
Ruining my life	I think this one made it onto the Master List a few times, and I also think it needs no explanation!

That’s just a tiny portion of the Master List right there, but I don’t have much time to hide the Master List Spiral Notebook before my roommate crashes through the door and starts blabbing about how cool he is or whatever it is that he’s always talking about while I’m trying to think or locate bargain-priced Hellboy figurines on Ebay.

Mark my words. I solemnly swear to you people that I’m going to get my revenge on my roommate when he least wants it…whether he likes it or not!