Ever since I was about 7 years old, I haven’t stepped anywhere near a weighing scale, mostly because I rarely go to the gym or the doctor, but also because I’m too smart to put myself in situations that could make me depressed. Now at work, I have to wear a uniform that consists of bright yellow pants, white suspenders, and a white and red striped blouse. I know, Bryan tells me that I look like a big hot dog covered in mustard, ketchup, and mayonnaise. I usually reply to this by making myself a mega-loaded chili dog and eating it in front of her, eating a little taste of my own medicine. Yummy…

So the other day when I got dressed for work, I noticed that my blouse, which is usually an almost perfect fit for me, was feeling a little loose, especially in snug areas like under my arms and around my neck. At first, I thought it was just my imagination. Then I thought that maybe my body was a bit drained from the nasty diarrhea I had that morning (thank you, chili dogs).

But weirdly enough, ever since then my uniform has continued to feel loose on my body! Even my pants are roomier now in the front crotch area, where it’s sometimes difficult to zip my pants or button them.

The only thing I can figure is that it’s all the sweating that I do when I run from the fryer to the register to the tables and back again. Sometimes I get so tired that I have to eat some pizza pockets or burritos to get some energy to keep moving and now my uniform shirt has these weird green splotches in the arm pits from all of the sweating I do.

Even my manager, Cole, who tries to impregnate anything and everything that walks into that bowling alley, poked at my behind with a spatula last week and said that I “look like I’m losing some of my baby fat.” I called him a jerk and threatened to quit. In the end, he gave me a nickel raise (Twenty cents above minimum wage, baby!).

Later that day, I told Bryan about my weight loss and how being labeled as ‘skinny’ would really bother me. She just cracked some joke that if I kept losing weight, I should start calling myself “Barbie” Stanson instead of Barbara. Gee, thanks for being such a good friend, Bryan.

I mean, what am I supposed to do once I’m a skinny little skeleton? Eat cute little salads and sip on Diet Coke? Giggle and shop with Daddy’s credit cards? Go out dancing and meeting boys every weekend? Yeah, right.

So after much pouting and pondering over plates of honey-glazed chicken wings, I’ve decided that if my health is going to continue to be affected like this, I’m either going to have to cut back on my working hours or I’m going to have to start eating more food. Of course, the money is just too good for me to choose the first option, so tonight I’m making a checklist of all the things I need to buy to ensure that I can keep my weight up around where it needs to be. Here’s a little smidgeon of a sample of that list:

- Gordy Gordon’s Meat Pies – A real taste of the South with a crispy, flaky crust that allows you to carry them anywhere!

- Mama Mia’s Cheese Syrup – Good on everything from waffles to potato chips to pizza.

- Fudge – ‘Nuff said.

- Heavenly Hash Ice Cream - I couldn’t have said it better myself!

- Cracklin’ Smogurt – I don’t know what this stuff is, but it comes in a tub and its smooth, creamy taste won’t ever let me be satisfied until the tub is empty.

- Dale’s Homemade Donut Filling – Squirt it in your donuts or cut out the middleman and squirt it straight down your throat (my fave!).

     If increasing my food intake doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’ll do. I just hope my hip-bones and ribs don’t start showing. I’m almost embarrassed to ask Cole for a smaller, tighter XXL blouse so I won’t have all of this excess fabric shifting around on my skin.

     Ugh! If anyone out there knows of a good recipe for brownies or Hamburger Helper or whatever I need for maintaining my weight, please let this girl know!