There are a few things in life that make me want to vomit. One of those things is vomit. Another one is whenever I see perfectly good food being thrown away. But perhaps the worst things that makes me vomit the most, Bryan, is hearing you say that you can make a more interesting sandwich than I can. You and I both know that you couldn’t make an interesting sandwich even if you wanted to.

	Above: I wasn't eating any sandwiches when this picture was taken, but I probably ate a couple later that day.

     Look, Bryan, we’ve been friends for at least three weeks now, and truth be told, you’re one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met. Now I understand that friendship is supposed to have its occasional ups and downs (though mine have a tendency to only have downs and downs), but my sandwich-making skills are something that I will stand firmly behind again and again, no matter who is challenging me.

     Let’s take a look at the last sandwich you made, shall we? Luckily, I still have that picture I took of you holding it just seconds before you shoved it into your mouth.         

- Bread – half a loaf of jalapeno bread

     I’ll admit, I really wanted that last half of the jalapeno bread, but at the time I couldn’t get mad because you and I were having a little “girls night out” in front of the TV, and I figured I’d let you treat yourself. But really, this is a bread meant for dipping or eating plain – not for making sandwiches. Also, you picked all the jalapenos out of it, which I think ruined the whole point of using it.           

- Condiments – mayonnaise (2 helpings), Cheez Whiz (3 helpings), spicy mayonnaise (1 helping)

     I distinctly remember having 4 types of mustard in the fridge that night. Were any of them on your sandwich? No! Why? Because you’re allergic to mustard. That’s not my fault and you should get over it because it really hinders your ability to build an intriguing sandwich. I’m allergic to cocoa plants, but you don’t see me turning down any chocolate.

- Meats – pepperoni (36 slices), pimento loaf bologna (5 slices), honey roasted ham (7 slices), chopped barbecue beef (3 spoonfuls), fat-free turkey (1 slice)

     Aside from the fat-free turkey (which I was shocked to find that I even had in the house), you neglected to put any white meat on there. I’ve got four words for you: tuna, chicken, pork, and fried chicken. Those four meats should form the base of your sandwich. In an emergency, you can always substitute a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder for any of the meats.

- Cheeses – Feta (1 package), Goat (1/2 a carton), Cheddar (1/4 of a block), shredded Cheddar (1/4 a bag), Swiss (8 slices)

     My problem here is not with the selection of cheeses, but with the order you put them on the sandwich. Bryan, I know we’ve discussed this before and you don’t believe me, but the placement of the cheese can make or break a sandwich. I’ll remind you of the incident back in 2001 before we knew each other when I ate a 3-foot meatball sub that had all of the cheese piled up on one side of the sandwich. I didn’t realize how unbalanced the thing was until about a foot into it. By that time I couldn’t do anything but finish it and then complain to the manager of whatever restaurant it was. Sure, I got a free small drink out of the deal, but half of the sandwich was too cheesy and the other half had no cheese whatsoever. Tragedies like this aren’t too hard to prevent.

- Vegetables - none

     This is the only feature of your sandwich that I completely agreed with, and I still do to this day. Like I always say, this is a sandwich, not a salad. Save the veggies for the vegetarians.

     So in the end, you ate that sandwich while I finished off the last of the bucket of macaroni and cheese. An hour later, you were hungry again and you had terrible gas. You claimed it was the quart of clam juice that you drank earlier in the night, but you know it was that sandwich, Bryan.

     All right, I’ll be totally straight with you: I would have eaten your sandwich, but I wouldn’t have been too excited about it, and I definitely wouldn’t talk about it years down the road.

     I hope you understand now why I burst into tears when you said that you could make a more captivating sandwich than I could. I mean, you’ve no doubt got some talent, but you just need a little guidance in your technique.

     Bryan, I’m ready to move past this. I went to the store today and I bought more sandwich fixings than we could ever eat, so let’s make the most interesting damn sandwich ever…together. You get the chocolate syrup and mushrooms, I’ll get the chicken-fried pork chops.