I'm a man of honesty, integrity, and truthfulosity. Unfortunately, there are billions of dishonest, disingenious, and dis-untruthful men who like to write books that operate under the disguise of pure informative decency. One glance at the Religion section of any bookstore should tell you that. But I'm no theologist, I'm an old bitter critic with a story to tell...a story of deception and disappointment on a grand scale. It's a short one, but a good one, and it all started the other day when I was rigging my mailbox with razor blades and explosives. In the midst of my booby-trapping, out plopped an unmarked envelope that contained the book Hippo Eats Dwarf by Alex Boese.

     I don't know who tipped off this Boese fella as to my whereabouts and proficiency for reviewing books (which I've been trying to retire from for nigh near a decade), but as I stared at that damned book in my gnarled fingers, I found myself getting back up in the dusty saddle again, the fetus of this review already forming itself in my wearied head.

     Maybe it was the obviously doctored photograph of a rubber hippopotamus snacking on a plastic figurine midget. Maybe it was the sensationalistic font that the title was written in. Or maybe it was because I haven't done anything besides eat, cuss, and poot for the last 6 months. Regardless of the reason, I dug into Alex Boese's book, and after no less than five paragraphs, I felt the bilious vomit begin its familiar hasty ascent up my esophagus pipes.

     I'll say it once and once only, and then I'll say it once again: Alex Boese, if he even truly exists, is the greatest hoax master the world has ever seen, and this new phony book of his proves it a thousand times over. If you find yourself cautiously cracking open the slick, shiny covers of this book, I suggest that you thoroughly and inappropriately prepare yourself to be tricked, bamboozled, and hoodwinked with every turn of the page.

     This Boese character, claiming to be a "hoax-pert" (a word which I challenge you to find in any dictionary or encyclopedia), has compiled an impressively ridiculous amount of rumors, hoaxes, and scams from all over the world and spanning across time's great expanse of centuries. The only problem is, all the hoaxes and hijinks in this book are themselves the counterfeit brainchildren from the cruel mastermind who supposedly harvested them throughout years and years of hoax investigations! It's 200+ pages of made-up hoaxes that are meant to hoax you into believing them so you and all your friends will buy this book and hide like frightened rabbits from a bunch of imaginary dangers!

     Bionic cats, complicated eBay scams, phony political campaigns, and fake plastic breast implants! Who ever heard of such prefabricated baloney hogwash? Alex Boese, that's who! And you will, too, if you read his book!

     And thus far I've just been talking about the front cover and all the gooey insides of the book! I haven't even gotten to the back cover, which has one of the biggest hoaxes of all time on it! If you look at the back of the book, the "author" has included a picture of himself in the midst of about a thousand lies concerning the book's contents. This is what "Alex Boese" claims he looks like:

     But being the astute investigative sleuth that I am, I did some internet research inside the World Wide Web and discovered that this is really what Alex Boese looks like:

     Does this look like the kind of man whose words you want to read? Does it even look like this man can produce words or consequently read those words that he himself just produced? I think not.

	Above: This is a picture of me, and that's no lie. Stop looking at me like that!

Who does this Boese fella think he is? Am I supposed to swallow all his tall tales of photography manipulations, fake alien abductions, and Nigerian bank scams? I've seen the pictures of Michael Jackson riding in the convertible with JFK the day he was assassinated! I've read all the reports of those baby-cloning Raeliens who flew off in spaceships all those years ago! And I've got several Nigerian partners sending millions of dollars straight into my bank account one of these days as soon as they can get their money wires figured out!

What's this guy trying to pull? Why hide behind such a tangled web of unbelievable lies? Someone needs to turn this guy's magnifying glass into a mirror so he can reveal his true identity before somebody gets hurt!

And, of course, your pal G. Rodney Fussensnitch is the dude who's done just that. I've out-tricked the trickster and beat him at his own game, for hidden inside this pustule of a book, I've found a secret message implanted by the foolish author himself. Hold onto your diapers, readers, cuz you're all in for a shock in this next paragraph!

Rearrange the letters of "Alex Boese" and you get the phrase, "This book is not real and you aer stupid if you believe it". Yes, the enigmatic huckster who calls himself Alex Boese has taken one final stab at our intelligence and gullibility by misspelling the word "are" in his own clever secret code word scramble. However, you still get the message.

And now for the conclusion of my tale and review, which takes a turn for the weird: With my expert analysis of the book complete, I resigned myself to get rid of it out of sheer disgust and hatred, just as I have done with the three or four other books I've actually read in my life.

I stuck my copy of Hippo Eats Dwarf in the garbage disposal and switched it on full blast. It must have wheedled its way out of that contraption, though, because hours later, I found the darn thing crouched under my coffee table as if in wait to slice the tendons of my ankles. I did what any war-hardened man would do when faced with a dangerous organism and called my local volunteer fire department to come dispose of it in a violent manner.

     If you encounter a copy of Alex Boese's fictional piece of non-fiction, I suggest that you do the same, unless you happen to be a volunteer fire fighter, in which case I'd suggest that you shoot it, poison it, run over it with your car, and burn it. Either way, run out of the house right now and purchase every copy of Hippo Eats Dwarf so it doesn't spread itself around even further than it already has.

     And above all, don't tell that sneaky Alex Boese fella where you live.