I'm going to be the laughing stock of Everquest!

     What a freaking jerk! It took three painstaking months of battling Wood Trolls and Terror Nymphs to save up enough hides to purchase the Golden Elixir from the kobold hermit in Gogranolon!

     It was one of my life's finest accomplishments, so it’s no surprise that my bitter and pathetic roommate did it, really.

     I’ve noticed how he takes little peeks at the computer screen over my shoulder late at night after he’s supposedly gone to bed. That’s why every fifteen seconds or so, I give a quick glance back at him sleeping there, to simply and bravely illustrate that I know he’s watching me.

     Why doesn’t he start his own freaking Everquest legacy if he’s so darn curious about mine? Probably because he’d only advance one level every year since he spends so much time studying, making friends, and working at his dumb medical job!

     Did he not think that I would suspect him, my one and only roommate? He's the only person on this whole campus who knows I live in this room. It doesn't take a freaking genius or a Detective Einstein to figure that one out!

     I knew there was more trouble brewing between my roommate and I the second that the Golden Elixir entered my inventory. I remember the night clearly. It was around 3 AM and as my Barbari-Mage held the brilliantly ornate flask up to the sky, I let out a big whoop of exultation, followed immediately by my stupid roommate’s request that I “keep it down a little”.

     How about I keep him down...in the cellar if I had one!

     That night, instead of cruising the message boards, bragging about my good fortune and awesome dedication to the online gaming community in general, I spent my whole time griping about my insensitive roomie’s lack of respect and decency. It's funny how just a few simple words from a punk can ruin your whole night.

     Sometimes when he interrupts my Everquesting sessions, I feel like screaming, “Yes, I know that I should turn the volume down because you have to get up early for class, and yes, I know that you need to use your computer sometimes to write reports and stuff, so stop telling me a thousand times!”

     But I don't. I’m a big enough man to write it all out in a lengthy, thorough email, thank you very much.

     Mother has taught me well.

     His constant whining is so distractful to my gaming experience. You think it’s easy to wield a Falthorian Halberd with one hand while simultaneously casting a defense enchantment from my impressive arsenal of Level 8 Arcane spells? Of course not, moron! But no, you don’t hear me bellowing about all of my insignificant personal pressures like he does!

     You know, the thrilling virtual world of Everquest does provide me and my fellow gamers with the luxury of indulging ourselves in almost any fantasy we can dream of, but there’s one last fantasy element I’d like to see within that electronic universe that so far hasn’t surfaced – me driving a Multi-Barbed Dagger of Pestilence into the stringy little heart of my fart-faced roommate!

     I’d sacrifice 200,000 gilded coins and my Fortified Sash of Menace to see that!

     Wait a minute, it looks like my roommate did start up his own Everquest account and I've been looking in his inventory this whole time! What? How is he already a higher level than me? And he's got enough troll hides to buy 5 Golden Elixir of Healings!

     No way, Jose! Let's see how his Level 42 Necromancer likes it when I cast a Level 9 Deletion Spell on his Everquest account? Take that, noob!

     Hey, his stupid computer somehow deleted both of our accounts! Noooooooo! I feel like the newly-reborn Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars: Episode 3! I've got to call Mother and take a nap before I flip the freak out here!