Clay Shompson

Clay Shompson is a pretty simple Studio 8 character. He's a certified idiot who loves to share his idiotic opinions with anyone who will listen to him. Since very few people actually want to deal with Clay in real life, most of his social experience comes from his somewhat disturbing relationship with his mother. As a matter of fact, most of the articles he writes for us either concern his mother or are addressed to his mother. Clay will surely astound you, not only with his absolute lack of intelligence, but also with his intolerance for any ideals or lifestyles outside of his own.

Why Are They Teaching Kids to Shoot Each Other in School?
     I've been watching the news lately and it's raised one question in my brain: Can somebody tell me why they're now teaching kids to shoot each other in school?
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If I Had an Invisible Penis, I Sure Could Have Some Fun
     Last night I saw a movie about this mad scientist who drank some weird potion that turned him invisible and it really got me thinking: If I were able to concoct a potion that would render just my penis invisible, I sure could have some fun.
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Just Because I’m not Getting Married Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Have a Bachelor Party
     Man, I’m about ready to have one of those sweet bachelor parties everyone is always telling me about, even if none of you guys want to throw one for me because I’m “not engaged to anybody.” I’m saying that just because I’m not getting married doesn’t mean that I can’t have a kick-ass bachelor party anyway.
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If Chickens Are Really Midgets in Costumes, Then How Do You Explain All Those Eggs?
     For most of my life thus far, I’ve had no problem believing that a certain percentage of the midget population likes to dress up in feathers and beaks (and yes, sometimes they even put jiggly red flaps on their heads), and that’s precisely why I’ve never argued whenever anybody points out to me that “chickens” are really midgets dressed up in costumes.
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Just Because I Frequently Have Sex with Our Couch Doesn’t Mean I’m Only Attracted to Furniture
     Look, Momma, you need to understand once and for all that just because you’ve caught me having sex with the couch in our living room a few times, it doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to women. It just means that on certain occasions I enjoy the feel of the couch’s material on my penis.
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If I Was a Celebrity, You’d Definitely Want My Autograph
       Man, I wonder why nobody ever stops me and asks for me to sign stuff for them. I really think they should. As a matter of fact, most of the time when I’m out in public, I expect them to, but they don’t. All I know is that if I was a celebrity, then you and everybody else in this Burger King would definitely be wanting to get my autograph.
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I Probably Should Keep This Toothpick In My Mouth All Day
     Despite what my mom and friends tell me, I still think it would be a good idea for me to keep this toothpick in my mouth for the rest of the day. Hell, maybe even longer than that.
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Life Would Be Much Easier Without All This Hard Stuff
     I think I would life would be way easier in general if I didn’t have to deal with hard stuff all the time. For instance, why do people have to be at every place that I need to go to? It doesn’t matter if I’m driving down the road for cigarettes or walking to the comic book shop, there’s always got to be other people on the street or in my way, doing whatever it is they do and messing up what I’m trying to do. I can’t just go to some other place because there’s always more stupid people at all the other places!
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I Was Meant to Have a Beard
     Look, Mom, you're the only one of my friends who doesn't seem to realize that I was meant to have a beard. I know this is probably the hundredth time we’ve gone over this, but my face needs something to make it more interesting and a beard seems to be the only thing I can think of that is interesting. Now to prove my point to you once and for all, I'm gluing this badger pelt to my face.
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Gay Dudes are So Gay, Dude!
     Look, I ain't against people of the homosexual nature or nuthin, but have you ever actually seen a gay guy? Man! They are SO gay! First of all, they don't watch football or even play it! They probably just sit around and talk about being gay to each other! And I bet they have gay parties too! Ha Ha, Queers!
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This Old TV Guide Isn't Helping At All
     I’m trying to figure out what I want to watch on TV tonight, but no, I can’t do that because I’m using this stupid TV Guide that says June 16, 1989 on its cover. Why does my mom keep trash like this lying around under her bed, anyhow?
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I Think Girls Might Have Balls
     I’ve had this theory in my head for a while and I’m pretty certain now that girls have balls.  All my life, I’ve been told repeatedly that only boys have hair-covered nutsacks with which to carry our peanut-like sperm factories, but now a few things have me wondering if I’ve been lied to…
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