Cedric von Samiss

Cedric von Samiss is one of the most enigmatic and confusing Studio 8 characters. He might be foreign, he might be gay, he might be a deadly killer, or he might be all three of the above and more. All we do know for sure is that he is an expert (or "guru") on many subjects and no matter how often we tell him to stop sending us material, he keeps on sending it, along with threatening-looking pictures of himself and various stuffed animals. Someone is going to get hurt one day by this man, if they haven't already. Until then, gentle readers, you must suffer with us.

How to Have Fun with Yourself
by Fun Guru, Cedric von Samiss

     Ever since I was hurtfully thrown out of my house by the man who owns the house and lives there, I have been walking around in the streets a lot. And as I do this, I see that you people are not having so much fun with your lives. This is the kind of fact that makes me want to choke every person in the world and then bury them for being stupid and letting me choke them. But instead of trying to do that again, I will instead forcefully teach you people how to have more fun with yourselves!
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How to Turn Your Sickness into Goodness
by Health Guru, Cedric von Samiss
In the winter time, it is a time of serious sicknesses. That is a fact for all of the world, people, not just the stupid little part that you live in! So now you will allow myself, Cedric von Samiss, to inform you of several hundred things that you can do to make your sick parts turn into healthy parts.
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Getting Your Fatty Ass Fit in Twelve Seconds or Less!
by Total Fitness Guru, Cedric von Samiss
Hello, people. I know I may not sound like the usual sassy Cedric today, but that’s because I have a very serious and urgent message for you all to hear. Basically, I’ve noticed that you are all very fat and very gross.
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How to Win on MTV’s Dismissed!
by Blind Date Guru, Cedric von Samiss
Not that I would EVER want to be on that lame MTV dating show, but if I had a gun to my head or a sword or something and if I was a girl, this is how I would kick major butt on Dismissed. So I guess all the boys in the audience can stop reading this and read one of my other articles.
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Use Tough Love to Train Your Hair!
by Hair Guru, Cedric von Samiss
Hair care is very important not only for your general appearance to other people, but also for your hair’s sake.  See, your hair doesn’t understand that it needs to behave.  It just wants to do whatever the hell it pleases as if it is the only thing that matters.  This is why you must use what I call “tough love” to get that hair under control and keep it that way!
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Get Sassy and Stay Sassy!
by Sassiness Guru Cedric von Samiss
I want to reason with you people.  I’ve walked around my apartment complex a few times and I have yet to see a consistently sassy person.  It is time for you people to start getting sassy!
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