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Media to Remind Americans About What Happened a Year Ago Do you remember what happened in New York City on September 11, 2001? If you don’t, then either: A) you must have been living on another planet for the past year, B) you are a baby and your brain hasn’t fully developed, or C) you are unpatriotic and better say the Pledge of Allegiance three times real fast before you are turned in to the proper authorities.
Therefore, for all of the
aliens, babies, and un-Americans reading this newspaper, The Campus Dirt
is going to be offering you a piece of shocking and disturbing news. For
everybody else, the CD is about to join the thousands of other news
sources that will rehash the tragedies that occurred on September 11, 2001. On September 11, 2001, a group of highly-organized terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center in New York City by hijacking two commercial jetliners and flying them into it. Two more planes were captured and crashed that day, one into the Pentagon, the other into an empty field in Pennsylvania. Within the span of three hours that day, thousands of Americans lost their lives, some while trying to rescue others. Tomorrow will mark the first-year anniversary of the attacks, a fact that anyone could easily verify by consulting a current calendar, by concentrating for more than two seconds, or, thanks to the media, by simply opening their eyes. This publication regrets having to print a front page article that will be yet another reminder of a time in American history that remains so disastrous and unforgettable, but as a questionable source of important news, the CD is inexplicably obligated, just as the rest of the world’s newspapers, TV stations, and radio programs are, to do this.
Another
CD reporter had a very amusing article lined up for this very spot that
concerned a recent series of wacky fraternity stunts and the bumbling crew of
LSU authorities who had to cover them up, but now that story will never see
the light of publication. If all of the media institutions of the world didn’t band together in a united front like this, no one would be informed of the heavily-broadcasted world-wide Sept. 11 tribute ceremonies that will surely take place tomorrow. Also, it is possible that some would attend the ceremonies, but forget what they are supposed to be remembering. There is also a slight chance tomorrow that some people, like the victims’ family members, would attempt to deal with their memories on their own terms without being bombarded with a spectacular stockpile of horrific images and propaganda footage of Osama bin Laden shooting an AK-47, which is considered a serious no-no in the unbiased news industry. There is also a rumbling fear that some Americans may even have trouble recalling the shape and color scheme of the American flag. But our newspaper is standing proud with its media brethren to help prevent all of that. We offer our readers this final reminder: Since The Campus Dirt will be distributed on September 10 and not on September 11, we suggest keeping this issue handy just in case you step outside tomorrow morning and can’t quite figure out why everyone looks so somber and pensive. HUGE SERIOUS DISCLAIMER: The Campus Dirt does not wish to disrespect or make light whatsoever of the terrorist attacks that took place on American soil last September. However, since we generally disagree with how today’s vast number of media organizations handle all newsworthy events great and small, we offer this article as a sort of challenge to stop shoving tragic events down everyone’s throats until those events become so emotionally clichéd and over-reported, that nobody wants to remember or pay attention to the lessons that could be learned from such events. Like all of you reading this, The CD’s staff feels just as awkward, confused, and remorseful about what happened last year.
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Company Reports All
Emergency Workers are Morons
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