Everything I just said brings me to what I am about to say: This month’s “Letter from the Editor” thing won’t only excessively use italics, but it’s going to do something different. As founder and co-owner of this organization, I’m going to give you readers an update on all of our employees, from top to bottom. Starting from the top, then slowly heading towards the bottom, and then if I feel like it, heading back up to the top.

Fannie Beenerface - No matter how badly we treat this lady, she just keeps writing and writing and writing. The problem is that she pretty much sticks to one topic – her two miserable stupid sons. We feel really bad for her and are fully aware that she supports her entire family with the measly paycheck she gets from us every three weeks. Our favorite part about Fannie is that she always brings her sons to our office during our monthly meetings because we like to pad our Super Smash Brothers stats against them.

Clay Shompson - If there is anything you need to know about Clay, it’s to avoid him at all costs. We’ve managed to avoid him for years. In fact, we’ve never even met Clay. He started writing articles about his everyday life about 5 years ago because he heard we were having a writing contest. Even though he finished in exactly last place, we didn’t have the heart to tell him, so he kept sending over these weekly updates. Brock decided to spend an afternoon decoding his almost-legible handwriting and uncovered a journalism treasure chest. He hasn’t received a dime from us, though, and we’re pretty scared that somehow, one day our paths will cross and he will demand payment.

Gentleman Brock - Young reader, it’s time that you learned something today. Gentleman Brock is actually a character portrayed by real-life Studio 8 Co-Owner and Editor, Brock LaBorde. GB's got a book in the works, but there's a lot of chance and speculation involved in that project's success. Which brings us to…

 

Brock LaBorde - As you know from reading previous Editor Letters, Brock is busy in New Orleans right now working on big-budget movies, building contacts, and going to fancy beautiful people parties. Soon enough, the rest of us, along with Mikey the Mangler, will be joining him. But who really cares about Brock? I mean, really?

Stephen Sport - When Stephen isn’t sleeping off his late-night alcohol poisoning or watching old pre-taped LSU football games, he’s pestering us about throwing parties at the office or trying to organize fantasy football leagues. We’re really getting annoyed with Stephen because he doesn’t really have much to offer. He tries to have sex with all of our girlfriends, he masturbates in our laundry, and licks all of the leftovers in the Studio 8 fridge.


 

Cedric von Samiss - Cedric has been doing the usual – prancing around in his shiny shirt, getting invited to all the fancy parties, and writing letters to our headquarters politely begging us for a raise, and illegally coaching a junior male’s water gymnastics team at the YMCA, which has gotten him arrested several times already. Be very afraid of Cedric and never ever take his advice.
 

Gammy Fritz – Gammy is losing more and more of her mind every day. There’s no stopping this. There’s no stopping her from writing in her journal, either. And there’s definitely no stopping us from publishing them on the web for all of you suckers to see. If Gammy is a relative of yours, please do not sue us. Also, stop sending us requests for pictures of Gammy performing lewd sexual acts on sedated farm animals. We can't afford to provide that kind of entertainment, folks.

Jared Richard - Jared is still living lavishly ever since he got back from his sweet little spring break vacation with his mom, aunt, and little sister. The “Dynamite Four” spent countless hours trying to count the number of hours it took them to design the perfect spring break shirt, which Jared now wears every time he thinks that he might be leaving the house. Jared’s current plans are mapping out next year’s spring break retreat, thinking about next year’s spring break retreat, and remembering this year’s spring break retreat.

Paper Pants/The Lord of Darkness - These two pieces of worthless shit have been stinking up our offices for what seems like nearly half a decade. One picture story is their claim to fame, but riding the coattails of the rest of us is their coo de gra (which is French for Mardi Gras, I think). These two “menaces” still have a year left on their contracts, so even though they are dead and will no longer be providing content for this site, they’ll still be around in a sense.

Barbara Stanson - Some of us higher ups in Studio 8 Entertainment like to encourage Barbara to continue her heartfelt writings just because we like to laugh at her shortcomings (her fat stomach and gross titties). Others really enjoy munching down on her recipes because you just can’t argue with deliciousness like that. Sometimes we feel really bad when Barbara tries to hang out with us after-hours, but then we remember how gross she is and we immediately stop feeling bad.

Truston Aillet- T has been hard at work on his Studio 8 portfolio, a comprehensive list of everything he’s ever done with us. So far, he is listed as appearing in over 4 Picture Stories, drawing at least 9 Comics, writing 10 Articles, co-creating around 7 Article Concepts, thinking about doing 2 AOL Victims, and laughing at most of the Coupons. Other than that, T doesn’t do much else, except slaughter innocents.
 

Stripes the Dog – Who the hell ever thought a dog character would be funny or interesting to read about? Stripes, that’s who! Stripes was just a puppy when someone anonymously mailed him to the Studio 8 office in a large heavily-taped envelope 2 years ago. When we named the puppy ‘Stripes’ and then asked him if he wanted to be a Character, he looked at us in a way that most dogs look at people. We took that to mean, “Yes,” and to this day, we are sticking by it and Stripes is slowly cranking out more stupid-ass articles about the boring life of a shut-in dog.

Drake Dunlop - Drake has been having the greatest time in the world adjusting to college life…except for the fact that he has chronic and ridiculous passive-aggressive fights with his roommate, is addicted to AOL Instant Messenger (though he has no friends), hates cafeteria food, and is sexually frustrated to the point of chafing his penis. As long as he remains incredibly paranoid, we’ll keep posting his articles. And as long as you read them, we’ll keep figuring out new ways to annoy Drake.
 

Chris Trew – Chris is currently tied up with the task of writing this sentence that you are reading. He isn’t too sure how he wants to end this piece and sometimes he feels insecure about his abilities to hold your interest while sort of giving you the inside scoop on Studio 8’s real-life and fake-life employees. Chris thinks that he’s pretty good at mixing the fact and fantasy, so you might have a hard time figuring out which is which as you read and re-read the above paragraphs.

Until next month, later to it. We, the real and imagined employees of Studio 8 Entertainment, thank you for visiting and we hope to give you some fancy entertainment in the next few years. Check out our movie, vote for us on The Satire Awards, and have a nice day.