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Today is Soooo Last Week
by Brock LaBorde
June, 2005
Time, time, time. I don't have any time
anymore. I don't have time to write as much for this site. I don't
have time to sleep. I don't have time to stuff my face with fatty
snacks. So I've given up on Lady Time and I've made the following
decision:
I don't want to live in the present anymore.
I'm ready to live in the future.
But I don't want
to miss out on anything that happens between now and then, so I
think I might freeze my brain and switch it with a robotic brain and
let let that one live my life for me, recording all of the events,
so when the future finally arrives, I can put my real brain back in
my body and watch what I did and how stupid the world was while I
slept.
But I don't want my body to get old and worn-out and leaky, so I
suppose I'll have to freeze my body, too. And my apartment is really
nice. May as well freeze that, too.
Of course, the
one thing that keeps me from really cryogenically freezing myself is
my fear that the world will be overwhelmed with another Ice Age at
any moment. Everyone will be dying of frostbite and burning their TV
sets for warmth and there I'll be, frozen in my little pod like all
the rest of the suckers. The scientists or whoever will be monitoring my
delicately frozen body will thaw me only to have me freeze again
within minutes. Where will that get me? So I'll just have a little
note that says, "Do not thaw Brock if you are in another Ice Age
right now." That should take care of it.
So before I start
picking through my meager belongings and trying to decide what I want
in my Freezy Pod TJ-300, I'll let you in on some predictions and
expectations that I have for Future Land.
Things I am looking
forward to in the future:
 - Robots playing sports.
When a human being puts its mind to a task, it usually fails. Most of the time, when a robot puts its microchip processor to a
task, it not only succeeds, it excels above and beyond at that task.
I believe mankind's finest hour will be when we can replace all of
our athletes with robots, allowing us the pleasure of sitting back,
drinking malted beverages, and watching the action, each robot
performing its job flawlessly. It will be a perfect defense versus a
perfect offense, a virtual stalemate from the (robotic) referee's
first whistle. Every baseball game will have hundreds of innings,
football games will last for days, the Summer Olympics will require
us to measure each race's finish down to the last micro-millimeter.
If that's not enough to whet your appetite for robotic sporting
events, consider this: Humans have to
use steroids to become perfect baseball machines. Robots won't need
steroids. More robots, less drugs, people - that's what the world
needs...now more than ever.
- The deaths of all my friends.
OK, maybe I'm not looking forward to their deaths exactly, but I
am looking forward to their funerals. I love planning funerals. I
think I have a good eye for livening them up. And I guarantee that
all of my friends will have the most decadent, fantastic funerals
you can imagine. I have several surprises in store for each of them,
but they'll just have to wait until they die to find out what these
surprises are. (Here's a hint about my friend
Jared's funeral: Bunny
rabbits in tiny bunny coffins!)
- Automatic houses.
I don't know exactly who conceived of it first, but it was either
Doc Emmett Brown, Pee-Wee Herman, or Ernest P. Worrell who
introduced the first fully-functioning automatic houses to mankind.
These brave pioneers showed us houses
full of gadgets and gizmos that all worked together in comical,
impractical ways in order to make life easier. For instance,
whenever I walk into the kitchen of my Auto-House of the
Future, I will kick a ball that rolls onto a board that flicks on
a switch on my toaster and that makes a little mouse run in a wheel
to squeeze out some butter on my toast while a record player makes
me orange juice somehow. Essentially, I want to wake up, push one button, and
then have my house go through my entire day for me - everything
from making my meals, to getting me to work, to creating content for
this website, to tucking me back in
all showered and shaved and sexually satisfied.
- Time machines.
This might sound weird, but unlike most people, I'm really
looking forward to being able to visit different time periods in
human history. I'd just like to see what an Old West cowboy would
think if I showed him The Matrix 2: Reloaded or I'd like to
see how a caveman would feel about chocolate milkshakes. I know this
could severely mess up the space-time continuum and all that
scientific hoopla, but I figure everyone else will be messing it up
way worse than I will, so my tiny socio-temporal experiments won't
matter much. Plus, I'm going to be smart about my time travel. I
won't use the first time machine that comes out on the market.
They'll probably have lots of bugs and problems, like they send the
bottom half of your body to 1964 and the top half to 1712. So I'll
give it a few years to let the manufacturers come up with more
stable time machines, maybe some with a bit more style and class and
cup holders. I don't want to show up in 2,000,000 BC with some nerdy
go-kart/helicopter thing. I want something more like a Dodge Neon
with wings. On a side note, time machines will negate having to freeze yourself in
order to experience the future. Eat your heart out, Walt Disney.
- The sweet, sweet extinction of
Carcharodon carcharias.
Speaking of Disney, I read recently that Disney is not serving
shark fin soup at any of its foreign resort palaces anymore. Sharks
should have taken this as a token of good will from us humans, but
what do they go and do less than a week later?
They bite and kill
some of us. So I say we not only start serving shark fin soup again,
but we start making soup out of other parts of the shark, like the
face, the upper tail, and the flabby armpit sections. Anyway,
regardless of whether we as a people start making a conscious effort
to eat more shark meat, I like to think that sharks will still
somehow be
completely wiped out of existence when I emerge from my frozen
cocoon in the future. But if they're not, all that really matters to
me is the extinction of the great white shark, because I don't
believe they will ever prove themselves to be trustworthy friends
that we can go swimming with. So let's start hunting these majestic
creatures, people.
- Aliens.
They better come.
- Internet: Version 2.0 featuring downloadable titties!
The internet is constantly evolving and getting smarter while we
humans get fatter and dumber. One day, the internet will rule us,
but until then, we will keep figuring out ways to make the internet
give us whatever we desire. Nowadays, we harvest the internet for
pictures of titties. In the future, somehow the internet will
allow us to download actual titties for us to hold and caress
and keep for pets. I'm talking about titties of all shapes and sizes and
colors, my friends. And for all the horny ladies out there, the
Internet 2.0 will also allow you to indulge some of your
sexual cravings by giving you the downloadable man-ass. Yes, this
means you will be able to search through a virtually infinite
database of man-asses, finding the one that suits your fancy
(whether it be hairy or lumpy or creamy white or pimply), clicking
on it, and then somehow having that man-ass appear right into your
grubby little hands. Sort of makes the man-asses of the present seem
a little disappointing, eh, ladies? Tell me about it.
 - Pizza burritos at Taco Bell.
Despite the hundreds of scathing letters that I've written (and
will write) to the presidents of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, both fast
food establishments refuse to unleash the pizza burrito upon the
waiting public (me). I don't have faith in many things, but for some
reason, I sincerely believe that at some point (hopefully soon),
maybe even by accident in a lab, Taco Bell will create this ultimate
food item, marrying the age-old Italian pie and the age-old Mexican
bean blanket. I don't want to eat the pizza burritos, though, I just
like knowing that they will exist and I like talking about them a
lot. My present friends hate me for this. My future friends won't.
So I'm only a few
steps away from taking a millennium-long nap, and then it hits me.
What if some of the things I like aren't around when I get to the
future? I loved Crystal Pepsi and Smurfs Cereal and they're nowhere
to be found now. What about all the things and people I love now? So
to commemorate the future past memories of things I love from
present times, I've created this brief list.
Things I will miss
from present times:
- Shark attacks.
Shark attacks are awful, terrible tragedies, but I love reading about them.
And I think I'm not alone on this one. Every summer, the media
screams about shark attacks, big and small. But once the world's
sharks have all dried up, what are we going to do? In the shark-less
world of the future, we'll have to make up all of our shark attack
stories, sort of like the UFO sightings of today, which, of course in the future will
all be
real. People will say, "Oh, I just saw a fin surface over there and then
it just sped off into the blue!" Attention-starved rednecks will cut
holes in their torsos and claim it was a shark that bit them. And old
geezers will sit around their flame modules with their grandchildren
and cyber-grandchildren and grandchildroids, spouting off stories
about the great Brachaelurus waddi, also known as the blind
shark, which used to just swim around with its mouth open, hoping it
would accidentally bite something it could eat. And children will
cry for these voracious, blood-thirsty killers of the deep that they
never got to see. And this will make a great movie one day. Eat your
heart out, Steven Spielberg.
 - The Ozone Layer.
I haven't really seen the Ozone Layer and I haven't really
visited the Ozone Layer, but I have a weird feeling that it exists
and that it's important and that it's disappearing fast. Supposedly
the Ozone Layer protects us from radiation poisoning and all sorts
of evil particles and such, sort of like God, whom I've also never
seen or visited. But I don't believe in Him like I do the Ozone
Layer. People say it's pollution that's destroying our Ozone Layer,
but I think it's dirty pirates from the future traveling back in
time and stealing it. I bet Ozone will sell for a pretty penny a
thousand years from now. Better yet, a pretty dollar. Maybe I should
take a few handfuls of Ozone Layer with me before I flip that
freezy switch on...
- Intelligence.
In general, people aren't very smart nowadays. I am a person,
which is one people, so I'm fully aware that I'm included in that
statement. Every once in a while, I run into a smart person and it's
nice. I view them as gentle, naive dinosaurs who will soon succumb
to an inevitable Ice Age of Reason. The modern world has too many
fun distractions to spend all of our time on, and I think eventually
we'll all stop working and learning and we'll just play all the
time. Playing doesn't nurture intelligence. Just ask any
kindergarten teacher if you don't believe me. But don't ask Mrs.
White because I ate my eraser last week and told her some other kid
stole it and I think she's hot on my trail. Kindergarten is hard,
folks, even after you've been in it for 20 years. That's 10 + 10
years. Eat your heart out, Mr. Wizard.
- Studio8.net.
The sturdy walls of Studio8.net will fall one day like those of
the mighty Jericho back in the Bible days. And not from a thousand
God-blessed trumpet blasts, either. More than likely Studio8.net
will stop being updated when all of the Studio 8 boys die in the
Great Louisiana Earthquake of 2009. I doubt I'll ever have children,
so there will be no one to pass the site onto, not that I would
trust any of my bastard children to do anything worth a shit on this
site anyway, the lazy fucks. I think it's for the best, though,
because when the Internet Version 2.0 comes out, that means my
man-ass will be available for any anonymous pervert to download and
abuse. So I don't want to be on the internet for much longer. Not to
mention I hate Studio8.net and I wish I could burn it down somehow.
Eat your ass out, me.
- Family portraits.
Families won't exist in the future. Everyone will be separated
at birth into little homeostasis pods that nourish them and force them to play
violent video games while their energy is harvested to feed the legions of
robotic athletes. Thus, no one will be taking any family photos at
Wal-Mart, photos like the one to the right. Actually, when I look at
this photo, I don't think I will miss family portraits at all. Or
families. Moving on...
- Regular burritos at Taco Bell.
I know I gushed over the pizza burritos earlier, but I've done
some thinking since then and I realized how much I love regular bean
burritos. I guess I realized that once the pizza burritos come out,
it will be all over for El Burrito Classico. The same thing happened
to the taco when Popcorn Chick'n Taco Brownie Bites came out at KFC.
I don't even want to think about what's going to happen to all those
uneaten normal old burritos when El Grande Revolucion happens. So
I'm filling my Freezy Pod TJ-300 with already frozen burritos. The
future's in for a blast from the past! To me, regular burritos
aren't just filling, they're fulfilling. I don't expect any of you
to understand me. Just accept me.
Thanks for
joining me in my journey down the Memory Lane of the Future. Before
I go, I'd like to remind you all of a few things going on in the
present that you might like. My book, "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort
of Being a Gentleman," is still available
to
buy at
IUniverse.com,
Amazon.com, or
BarnesandNoble.com. Our
movie is still for sale in various forms and places and some neat
things might be happening with it soon. We've got some new
music up
on the site recently and lots of new music in the works. We've also
got a fresh short film on the editing table and even some
sketches
on the horizon. I hope you enjoy all or some of these things and
leave
some sort of record for me so when I hatch out of my icy egg
in a few thousand eons, I'll know that you once cared.
OK, I'm out
this bitch. Have fun with yourselves.
Your man,
Brock
PS - I'm too busy this week to write a PS,
so you'll just have to live with your memories of
last month's PS.
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