|
If You're a Human, You Might Not Like This
Letter
by Brock LaBorde
February, 2005
If birds were smart, they could kill us all.
The other day I
was sitting outside a pleasant eating establishment and thoroughly
enjoying my own company when I noticed some birds strutting and
pecking around the ground nearby. With nothing better to do for the
next 24 hours, I observed these birds as long as they would allow me
to do so. I knew I was probably making them feel uncomfortable with
all of my quizzical staring and startled grunts, but somehow I was
convinced that I was on the verge of a great discovery. If I only
knew then what you're about to know now, I would have wished that I
was you right now instead of being myself back then. At the time, I
had no choice, though.
So during the
course of my investigation, I took note of
several bird characteristics and activities that seemed "out of
place" to me. These include, but are not limited to, the birds'
tendencies to:
- look at things seemingly at random
- hit things such as the concrete and other birds and even
themselves with their own faces
- walk to and fro
- cover themselves with a complex array of feathers (NOTE: This might aid
in the birds' uncanny ability to fly!)
Somehow while
noting all of the above madness, it hit me: If birds were smart,
they could wipe us out in a hummingbird's heartbeat. I'm going to
let you think about that one for a while. OK, that's enough
thinking. Now that I've got you good and paranoid, I'm going to
assault your delicate sensibilities with several possible
apocalyptic bird-related scenarios and theories.
That's right, I
put my superior reasoning skills to work for a few minutes and came
up with hundreds, perhaps millions, of ways that birds could
annihilate humanity if only their puny brains would suddenly allow
them to be smarter. I've drawn some incredible pictures to help
illustrate some of the more complex or terrifying situations and I
hope they help intensify your panicking and nightmare-having.
E-mail me if they don't.
WAYS THAT BIRDS
MIGHT SOON BRING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD:
- Dropping rocks on people's heads.
If they use big enough rocks or if the person's head is small
enough, this is very possible and likely to happen. This may
happen by accident all the time in other countries for all I know. I don't read much.
Picture this: An ostrich is huge and strong, right? Imagine the size
of the rock that an ostrich could lug around with those monstrous
wings of his. Hell, they could probably carry thousands of tiny
pebbles and drops those like BB pellets and cover an even wider AOD
(Area of Destruction).
- Shitting on everything.
Feces is the most common substance on Earth. It's also one of
the most deadliest and the second-most smelliest (farts are the
smelliest). Birds have access to tons upon tons of this stuff and
there's no way to regulate it. On my balcony alone there are at
least two inches of bird shit coating the entire WA (Walking Area). Since
I refuse to wear shoes outside of my own bedroom, I get bloody foot sores
all the time from walking on the bird's doodoo. Because of this, I
will probably die some day. Thanks, birds! And upon my death, the Bird
Revolution will have officially begun.
- Pecking out people's eyeballs and
then shitting in their empty eye sockets.
You can't live without your eyeballs and I believe I've already
covered bird shit thoroughly up above, so I'll let this picture
speak for itself and for me.
- Fluttering in people's faces until
they run off a cliff.
I asked several doctors I know who live under the I-10 overpass
if falling off a cliff can be beneficial to one's health. 3 out of
10 of them said that falling off cliffs is deadly. 4 out of 10 tried
to kiss me. The other 3 thanked me for being Jesus and dumped
garbage on my shoes. Anyway, if you had one or two birds fluttering in
your face at all times, before you know it, you'd run off a cliff
and fall to your death (assuming that it's a high cliff, which most
cliffs are, otherwise it's a ledge). Your only hope of survival here is to grasp onto the
bird's legs just as your feet leave the ground and hope that the
bird is strong enough to support your weight for a significant
amount of time.
- Organizing a bunch of other birds to
lift a boulder and drop that on a building.
Modern architects design buildings to withstand hurricanes and
typhoons and such, not relentless boulder attacks. I used to date an
architect and she liked to throttle me about the head and shoulders
with rolled up blueprints, and I never once felt sharp pains from
any buildings that were designed to withstand boulders, I guarantee
you. What does this mean? That we need to reform America's collegiate
architecture programs before it's too late, of course! Well, it is too late,
really, so I guess we should just cancel the architecture program
altogether.
- Twittering and tweeting loudly and
consistently until everyone goes insane.
Many renegade species of birds have already begun to do this. I
can hear them outside my window right now. You see, the human brain
can't handle certain frequencies of...Now why can't they cut it out
with all that damn twittering? As I was saying, the avian pituitary
system allows them to...This is outrageous! What do they have to be
tweeting about at 2 in the damn afternoon?!? I can't even hear
myself type because of their blasted bird talk! And it's not like
they're discussing anything of importance! Paris Hilton's new hair
color, the latest overpriced I-Pod accessories, Korea's nuclear presence - BAH! I've got
to cut these damn ears off my head if I'm going to keep my sanity!
Ah...that's better.
- Eating all of the plants on Planet Earth.
Birds are able to digest substances that humans cannot, such as
bark, seeds, sticks, and rocks. If all the birds stopped eating
worms and bugs and started stuffing themselves with all the
foliage of the world, the Greenhouse Effect would destroy the Ozone
Layer and the Bermuda Triangle would cover the earth with ashes and
radioactive waste. BIRDS BEWARE: This is a double-edged sword! You'll die without
plants to perch on and such!
- Performing the Dance of Death outside
of cafes and other pleasant external eating establishments.
Contrary to popular belief, birds frequently use their legs
instead of their wings. Not for travel purposes, mind you, but for
dancing the Dance of Death! The Dance of Death is a dance that
brings about death for those who watch the dance and for those who
foolishly perform the dance. Again, the birds will have to sacrifice some
of their own to pull this one off. Also, people might start wising
up after a couple billion of us die and we might stop watching the
Dance of Death, but at this point, I'm not giving humanity any
credit whatsoever.
- Flying into and clogging up all of our
machinery.
Since the Machinery Revolution of the early 1700's, mankind has
depended on machine-based organisms to perform simple tasks and
complex operations. With the machines gone, humans would die out.
Then come the robot armies. Then come the birds. Then come the
dinosaurs again. The Circle of Life will then complete itself and
start all over again and then come to a final end. Yuck!
- Killing people with cuteness.
I don't know the science behind this one, but I do know that
cuteness isn't just a state of being, it's a cold-blooded killing
weapon of destruction. Be aware of the TCO - Total Cuteness
Overload. I've almost experienced this while watching baby penguins
learn to fly. Is it a mere coincidence that penguins are related to
the bird family? I think not, but maybe a little.
I don't like
being a prophet, people. I really hope that I'm wrong about the
birds. However, one of my college degrees was in Poultry Science, so
I sincerely doubt that I'm far from the truth here. If you need one
final slice of evidence, read
this recent disturbing news article.
But enough about
all of that. I'm an author now and that means I have to hawk my book
at any and all opportunities as I see fit. The book is my first
published book ever and it's called "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort
of Being a Gentleman." It's a parody of all those snooty etiquette
books you see laying around your grandparents' living room. It's a
quick read, perfect for leaving on your toilet or laying around your
grandparents' living room. And yes, it is a real book that you can
buy from
IUniverse.com,
Amazon.com, or
BarnesandNoble.com, hold in
your hands, and read. There are over 100 pages in it and there's
some neat illustrations from Studio 8 member
Truston and it is guaranteed to make you laugh or at
least look at me funny the next time you see me.
In other news,
lots has happened in my life and with Studio 8 since my
last depressing letter,
but this letter is already too long so you'll have to wait until I
feel like talking about real life instead of nonsense, which may
never happen again!
Until then,
here's wishing you cocaine boogers and whiskey shits!
Your love,
Brock
Back
to Editor Main
|
